Twisted

Just another day...

2010-09-01T07:06:00.001-07:00

The things on a person's desk probably say a lot about where they are and what they're involved in...this morning, mine says 'stuck'.

No real 'space' for work and no real commitment to tackle the to-do list sitting under my coffee.

Stuck.

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Couch Surfing

2010-08-09T18:46:00.001-07:00

So amid my heartbreak, there are small windows of feeling human - more than numb.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I went for a long, intense bike ride with friends - got to move, got to sweat, got to breathe - for the ride I felt alive...it was nice.

As I arrived home and unloaded my bike from my trunk, my neighbor was parking and the car emptied of about five people. Some locals but three of them were from Germany - they greeted me with bright smiles and 'hello neighbor' in their thick accents.

One of the guys was pretty interested in my tattoo and we talked for a bit. My neighbor explained that they were 'couch surfers' - basically, he and his girlfriend signed up to host people that travel from their homes - all over the world - and the travellers sleep on the couches of their hosts.

Very interesting - very bohemian...I love it. A nice smile in the middle of my evening...a necessary distraction.

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Chronicling the pain...

2010-08-09T15:39:00.001-07:00

...is something I've never really done before.

I usually write about what's going on in my life and before now, it was my journey to greater self-awareness through yoga.

Now, it's my gut wrenching journey through pain - where every step, every breath, every action and inaction threatens to be that which breaks me all the way.

Every thing is charged with the memory of her...songs - so I've changed the style of music I listen to now, foods - so I don't eat (but mainly because I can't), places - so I carefully navigate space and oftentimes, my breath gets caught in my chest at the suggestion of her in the space, even once upon a time.

Even my body is charged with memories of her...I look at my skin and I can remember her hand caressing me, I can almost discern the path it took...can still feel her breath on my neck.

I am a living, breathing monument of pain and what might have been.

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Why I (must) do what I do...

2010-08-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

If I concede, I might actually have what it is I so desperately desire - but if I do, I fear the impending loss.

So...I live in the wake of one of the most difficult decisions of my life - you wanted your voice Tina...

...I guess you got it.

I give to the point of breaking me - a vice I have perfected over a lifetime of pleasing. I forgive those that I love and care about SO EASILY and I'm not sure where that comes from but I fear it comes from a place of minimizing my own feelings and emotional well-being.

At least it has lately.

Such a shame. Such a god damn shame. But a shame I'm willing to bear in the name of self-preservation.

Seeking...

2010-08-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

So...in an effort to understand myself better and to understand who I am to others, I am on this journey of exploration.

My method of transportation on this journey - writing.

I find my way through my writing.

I heal through my writing.

I understand, I resolve, I learn, I grow, I forgive...through my writing - my vehicle to self-awareness.

For as long as I can recall, I have written, poured myself into words.

Word after word, page after page - each seeking something from the experience.

So armed with my pen or my keyboard, I am a seeker again - broken with heartache, exhausted from misunderstanding and bewildered by exactly where I find me now...so far from where I was just weeks ago.

Thus is the conundrum of life and love.

All the softness I seek...

2010-08-08T20:28:00.001-07:00

...wrapped up in the love of a child...in the love of them all. Wrapped up in their sweet faces, their words and gestures, their presence...their faith in us.

I am blessed...

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A banquet of love...

2010-08-08T20:19:00.001-07:00

The gods invented love...and then they invented laughter so they could stand it.

Feast of Love is one of my favorite movies - even in this place where I find myself, in the 'in-betweens', a veritable limbo of loves me/loves me not - I still love the beauty and the intensity of the human pursuit of love.

I am in love with love and I will not let that go, I will not foresake my faith...

...so I must laugh.

And laugh I will.

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Keep it coming...

2010-08-08T17:29:00.001-07:00

The life...the sweet stuff...the moments that distract the mind until they fill the mind, nourish it even.

I sit here among them...two of my friends cooking in the kitchen, in and out of games with another...finding my way, finding my peace...soothing myself and being soothed by their voices, their presence, the smells coming from the kitchen.

They ask nothing of me - they understand my silence and sadness and they make room.

Later they hear me as I come close to undone...holding my words and the spaces between them.

Cookies baking now in the kitchen that still smells of garlic...pillows and blankets on the sofa ready for snuggles, for warmth...a resting place for troubles.

Come now...

I sink into the softness, I am covered by a blanket and I let go for now...blessed by the presence of my friends.

Keep it coming - keep the beautiful coming.

"Feast of Love, Feast of Cookies"

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Daily Inspiration

2010-08-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can - John Wesley

For the last week, I have spent a lot of time focusing on me - self-preservation to be sure, but egocentric nonetheless. I'm not comfortable with that and am slowly changing my perspective - my way of thinking.

I am here for a higher purpose and I want to assure that I use my time, my person, my heart, my soul, to lighten the loads of others, to lighten their spirit, brighten their day, soften their hearts...however that happens, I want to be conscious of my doing.

I practice yoga for god's sake - I'm accustomed to recognizing the power of my mind, recognizing and channeling - channeling for the purpose of standing down my fears on the mat...but also for the purpose of standing down my fears off the mat.

This too shall past...

So I think...

2010-08-03T06:10:00.000-07:00

Timing is curious...

I have to wonder what it all means.

I have people dear to me and distant from me telling me I am amazing - assuring me of my light, my worth and the difference made because of me.

Just when I felt dark, alone and insignificant, just when I thought I couldn't take another step on this journey, just when I wanted to bow out of the dance.

Today, I am thankful for all of those people, I am thankful for their words and their belief in me...sometimes we just need our own light cast back on us as a reminder that we still shine.

Reaching out...

2010-08-02T14:16:00.001-07:00

I received an email today from someone in my past...someone very dear to me at one time, someone I hurt, who hurt me right back - she reached out today..stepped across the divide and reached out.

I was stunned as I read her email - I was frozen in my chair. I was thrust back through time...

I have forgiven her and I am looking forward to reaching right back...the timing of life is curious - but it sure is fucking beautiful.

Love

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I stand...braced

2010-08-02T05:44:00.000-07:00

For anything - for everything...for the crawl.

I cry myself to sleep.

I wake to tears that have been awake for hours.

I unrolled my mat this morning and trembled as I came to my hands and knees to begin - my body tired, my mind tattered, my heart crumbling and my lungs resistant to breath any deeper than just enough to keep me alive, for I choke on it - I breathe and my visceral reaction is to vomit.

When I lie on my back - all is well again...I want to stay here, barely breathing, void of movement, tears finding their own path down the sides of my face.

I curl into a corner in my shower begging this day not to start...not like this, not again.

My insides scream and writhe.

Faith is gone, feelings forsaken and hearts callous the greater the divide...the longer the duration.

I want to run...run away - start fresh somewhere else. Be surrounded by a landscape void of familiar traces.

I want to have faith in something...something bigger - I would forsake all of my pietistic ambivalence for a god that could save me now.

Breakeven Lyrics - Poetry...Sheer Poetry

2010-07-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

In music, there is healing and I smile at the serendipitous timing of certain songs entering my orbit - groove to the poetry of moving through the pain of a love lost:

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,'
Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even.
Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even no.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even no.
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't break even)
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom...

Shattered...

2010-07-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

How many times can I break til I shatter?

Give me a break; let me make my own pattern...

Nod to O.A.R. - "Shattered"

Waiting to fall...

2010-07-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused - African Proverb

I want to be loved like this - I want someone to be able to see beyond my mistakes to my potential, to my hope.

To see beyond the darkness to my light...

To see my beauty through my tears, my ugliness or limitations...

To see and believe in my wholeness through the jagged fragments...

To see my innocence when I fuck up, get it wrong and fall face first, tripping on my own humanness...

To believe in my purpose, when I have no reason to believe in it myself...

I have high expectations...because I am worthy - I have lived my life with grace, which doesn't mean never fucking up or failing those I love but moving forward through it all because there is simply no other choice.

Life is ephemeral...

Settling in...

2010-07-28T19:08:00.001-07:00

...to a new way of being, to a peace - carefully managed but peace nonetheless.

I had a conversation with my dad this morning and I feel like I have a new perspective - like I have taken a breath and am ready for the next move.

My father is wise and because he is in the middle of his own self-work right now he speaks in a language I understand - one that resonates with me.

He reminded me that I am worthy even though I am fallible, he spoke so genuinely of my tenderness and wouldn't allow me to suggest for one second that I was somehow unequipped for what I am up against in my life right now.

He broke my cluster down into manageable pieces and laid them out before me one at a time and we talked about my choices...the promise of my life.

He also suggested I write letters to manage the emotions I have recently unlocked as a result of interrupted therapy - emotions surfacing from deep, deep inside of me. Letters to my grandfather and my mother...even him.

The suggestion alone nearly took my breath away because it's been the one task I've never been able to do each and every time a therapist has suggested it...but more so, that it came from him...a man I have clearly underestimated.

What came next unleashed the tears that had been waiting for their freedom - he said not to stop at my grandfather but to also include my mother and he for...failing to protect me.

I stopped breathing and wept into my tissue.

He has never said that and I've been afraid to lay it at their feet though my heart needed an outlet, the feeling needed expression and in that moment, he gave it to me...just like that - WE FAILED TO PROTECT YOU.

My father, my daddy - inspiring in all of his new found self-awareness - held me (so to speak) and held my words, my fears, my insecurities...he held it all just when I thought I might crumble under the weight of a past clinging to my present, wanting to own me but knowing all the while that time is almost up. I am working it out, I am determined to integrate the spans of time in an effort to claim the voice I have been in search of my entire life.

And so I write...not here but in a journal, FINALLY, for the little girl who never had a chance against those hell bent to break her and for those unaware that their oversight implicated them in the attempt at her destruction.

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One at a time...

2010-07-27T16:19:00.001-07:00

When I hear the words exit my mouth, I think...keep coming, one after the other...just like that - don't stop talking because you might start thinking.

When I walk, I purposely place one foot in front of the other...deliberately moving my heavy body - heavy from grief, despair, confusion but also heavy from knowing...what I should have known, what I should have seen long before now.

My breath - in and out. I pay attention because I must - I startled myself awake when I realized I had stopped breathing.

One at a time - one word, one step, one breath - is how I plan to move on through the first week, first month, first year of an emotional quake that trumps any scale of measurement.

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Head Space

2010-07-26T17:53:00.000-07:00

So, it's no surprise to me that I am a person who spends a great deal of time in her head - thinking, evaluating, reflecting, wondering...and typically I embrace that as one of my charming eccentricities.

The world doesn't know what I think when I'm in here, doesn't know what I feel or want or dream or hope...so it occurs to me...what if I turned myself inside out for all the world to see?

Would that finally be enough...for anyone?

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This I know...

2010-07-26T17:52:00.000-07:00

I have entered territory I am not comfortable in...and I fear I am losing what I love most about me.

All of the elements of me that I have held as unique and endearingly odd, admirable and evidence of strength, are being widdled away by a force I have no power or will to fight.

I started reading the Invitation again today (by Oriah) and I picked it up just in time...just in time to be reminded that we are who we are and our fullness depends upon our embrace of those elements of us that color the world, drawing us to others as they are drawn to us.

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My Voice...Part II

2010-07-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

My voice is how I share, stand up, assures I am counted and makes me visible. My voice connects me to the others in my life, cultivating love and connection between us.

My voice also draws my line, establishing boundaries where they are necessary.

I was taught long ago that my voice did not matter. I constructed a place in my mind and I would go there when I felt threatened or hurt or humiliated - they couldn't touch me there. I called the shots and I alone held me safe.

I think of that 5 year old sometimes and how she was forced to self-possess - staring blankly into the TV, pretending his hands weren't there, buffering herself from his body - alive only in her mind.

It's safe to come out now - has been for a while and I choose a different way of being.

In the next couple of weeks, I will have my first counseling session in an effort to learn another way and this time, I choose.

I have come as far as I can with my practice, physical and mental, as far as this goes and now I extend my hand with nervous hope, taking hold of another, and chance that my healing is only just beginning and my life is more than I ever imagined - and I have imagined greatness.

My Voice...

2010-06-30T08:17:00.001-07:00

...is the expression of what I think, feel, desire, hope, resist, fear, love, need, dream...

I have said outloud that what I am most afraid of is using my voice...now I must walk into that which scares me - embracing the fear in me, nurturing my heart while challenging my mind.

A new journey unfolds...

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The space that is...

2010-06-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

The space that is neither full nor empty, the space that is neither happy nor sad, the space that is neither brilliant nor dull - that is the space I occupy now.

Seeking balance in the space that is...

Ashes and Wine

2010-06-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

Ashes and Wine is a Fine Frenzy song but in the wake of my relationship turbulence, I listened to the song this morning as if I was hearing it for the first time.

The words pierced me, penetrating my raw, pulsing heart that felt more exposed with every note...is there a chance, a reason to fight - or are we ashes and wine?

Ashes and wine sound incompatible - I wasn't quite sure of the reference or significance so I began to look it up.

I found some references to Catholic communion but these didn't resonate with me, so I solicited the help of my co-worker - some days are busier than others and so we were both searching the internet for the deeper meaning of Ashes and Wine.

She found something that resonated with me:

"Ashes and Wine are the things that are left over when the night is done. When the cigarette has been smoked and when the wine has been consumed. You know the little bit that remains still in the glass. So she's saying: is the relationship finished like those ashes and wine?"--(a post from songmeanings.net)

Ashes and Wine feel final and absolute, so I find myself asking of my current relationship - did we just burn out trying to be what we thought the other needed? Is there a place to turn after this and will I ever be able to turn to her again?

Lyrics:

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tears
Don't they see?
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning surface on a wheel
I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee-laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may chance your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?

This morning, I woke before the dawn to practice - to turn to my practice in a time of sorrow is growth and I planned to use my breath as an anchor, a tether to the present.

Before I practiced, I drove to her house - I felt pulled to. There is softness in the fading of darkness to the light of pre-dawn and currently, we have a shortage of softness between us.

I will need to know, regardless of what happens, that I openly expressed myself - that I resisted the temptation and inclination to stand behind my ego, to be UNaware.

Pain is not new to me - pain is fertile ground from which to grow.

Nevertheless, we talked and I drove home after a little over an hour and I practiced. I started with sun salutations and I opened myself to receive whatever is coming my way. I stood in the moment with evenness in my breath and purpose in my movement - intention.

I did so because I needed to know that I could.

A stake in the claiming of my 'self'...

Twisted

2010-06-24T07:42:00.000-07:00

A peculiar attitude or bias; eccentric turn or bent of mind; eccentricity.

I have intentionally changed the look and theme of this site - yoga is still very much a part of my path and will color the posts here but I write from where I'm at and where I'm at right now is a place of uncertainty and confusion.

I am unsettled and raw and exposed and I attribute these feelings to coming to know myself in a relationship - with the scrutinizing eyes of the other standing next to me - wondering if I can ever measure up.

Everything about my practice, all that brought me peace before her has failed to sustain me and I need a new way of being, a new practice - on and off the mat.

How will I put myself back together if we can't pull through?

How will I breathe again?

How will my feet ever walk the same path knowing hers were there at some other space in time?

I am so fallible.

I am ashamed and bruised from the inside and desperate to feel good about myself again...to feel as if I am actually capable of holding someone up...

...too bad it wasn't her.

Turning in...

2010-06-22T15:05:00.001-07:00

I fear I may guard myself to my own detriment.

Long ago and long before, my safe place was inside my head - sequestered away in a quiet, comforting mind space. This was my escape.

Unfortunately, I still seek this space when I feel overwhelmed or threatened or afraid - I turn inside, I get quiet and I am virtually unreachable.

I need new tools...

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Excerpt from "The Painted Drum"

2010-06-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

"life will break you. nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearnings. you have to love. you have to feel. it is the reason you are here on earth. you are here to risk your heart. you are here to be swallowed up. and when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could."--louise erdrich

Thank you to my co-worker for sharing this passage - I never fail to receive exactly what I need, exactly when I need it...timely.

Love will break me. Love will mend me and break me open again - I will taste as many sweet moments as I can.

"Sleeps with Butterflies"

2010-06-17T06:57:00.000-07:00

"I don't hold on to the tail of your kite. I'm not like the girls that you've known, but I believe I'm worth coming home to..."

Lyrics from Tori Amos's Sleeps with Butterflies

This song speaks to me because I do not have to grasp you to love you - I want to watch you in this world, to see how you move and if I were to hold on to you too tightly, I obscure my view of your grace.

Thought for my day...

2010-06-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take this in stride...I'm going to think before I speak and then even when I do, I will practice conservation of words - just enough to convey how I feel with a fine balance of space for your own.

Communication with a partner, I am finding, is a lot like yoga - the supreme art of paying attention and NOT losing focus to an over-analysis of what I perceive to be wrong, because if the relationship is a healthy one, the focus should be on what IS working, what is RIGHT and the bounty that comes from sharing my life.

Love...

Look for the good...

2010-06-01T06:05:00.000-07:00

John Friend encourages his students to 'look for the good' - in life, in practice (asana) - look for the good.

Useful advice worthy of aligning our path...

Perspective.

2010-05-27T05:59:00.000-07:00

As I sat down to write this post, initially, it was going to be about the amount of stress in my life and how poorly I have handled the load and some lengthy exposition of how my stress is so much more and so different from all others before...

Four or five sentences in, a co-worker walked into my office, sat in a chair and told me that one of our other directors had lost their husband last night - he was found dead this morning, in their kitchen.

I hit backspace - suddenly my 'troubles' didn't seem so troubling.

In the wake of something so big, I at once felt small.

Instead of another second wasted on spinning my wheels, I gave thanks for my life, my children, my health, my girlfriend, my family - the abundance that is my life.

I may be overwhelmed by the sheer number of reports required of me on a monthly basis but I go home to my children who love me and look forward to seeing me.

I have boxes all over my new apartment with contents that even I am unsure of but I am building a relationship that promises to take me into my future and she's here with me, loving me and adoring me.

My finances are tight but I am able-bodied and wake up healthy every morning with enough food in my fridge and the bills are paid.

We lay down at night, we wake up in the morning - we move through our days and nights, some more careless than others, some more mindful than others.

I hate that it took a someone else's tragedy to realign my life with gratitude.

Her world has been changed.

The hand she reached for across the sidewalk is forever gone.

The warmth she sought from his body in bed every night, no longer.

The 'thing' he used to do will now live on in only her memories.

I get overwhelmed with the details of my living sometimes but those hands I seek are still there, the warmth ever present and the 'thing'...draws me in every time.

My life is beautiful and my cup runneth over.

Reliable Happiness

2010-05-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

Happiness = it.

You can count on it.

You can rest in it.

No amount of noise or confusion or unrest or dis-ease can sway you from it.

It belongs to you regardless of circumstance or mood and all reaction is tempered by it's reliability.

I have spent this lifetime, thus far, cultivating my own reliable happiness - so much so, that I'm pretty even keel.

I HAVE WORKED SO HARD FOR THIS...

...because for MOST of my life, I have been a slave to my mind, my emotions and subsequent reactions - I'd see myself lose control and fall out of balance and crash into chaos.

I want to be a witness of my mind and the emotions birthed from stories told there, to be a compassionate observer, to be an able warrior willing to stand strong in the midst of tumult, resistant to the pull.

I will get excited and jump around with silly abandon and I will get cursing-storm angry and yes, I will get can't-get-out-of-bed sad.

But it will be rare and for that, I am grateful - grateful to finally be here, in my skin - in a state of reliable happiness.

This phrase, reliable happiness, is a phrase from Rolf Sovik and I was introduced to it by my yoga teacher as she led us through class.

Once the words left her lips, I had found my mantra - that which summarized my state.

I live from a place of gratitude and equilibrium and I guard that place - I must. I cannot allow threats to this which I have worked so hard far, fought for even.

This life is beautiful - with all of its shades and imperfections, complexities and gifts - this life is beautiful and I want to bask in the richness.

Love for a Child

2010-05-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

I am posting this piece of writing that I actually started months ago when I had changed my Facebook profile picture to a baby pic of mine.

In my re-read of the writing, I am moved to share here...in honor of time's complexities, in honor of the unknown and most importantly, in honor of resilience and personal power - something I have cultivated over time.

The post, in its original form:

I just posted a retro picture on my Facebook profile - a baby picture of myself as my father holds me against himself and my mom.

I always instinctively smile when I see this picture and inevitably, a slight sadness follows. I look at that fresh face of mine, those little wide eyes taking it all in, those delicate little hands, one up in a prissy gesture that would come to be my trademark.

I want to hold her for a minute...press that little body next to mine and whisper a truth into her ears that she won't understand until much later in life. I want to meet her eyes and have them never look away - they will do that enough over the course of her life to come.

I want to open the palm of her hand so she knows it is her destiny to receive.

I want to lift her chin, guiding her head up, so she never cowers under the brute forces to come.

I want to tell her that it's not going to be her fault.

I want to tell her that she is worthy and beautiful and I want to plug her ears to the painful contrary that will be waged against her defenseless youth.

I want to shield her body from the various assaults to be mounted against her innocent flesh as manifestations of someone else's shit.

I want to open her heart and fill it with love and trust in something more.

I want to write for her and sing to her an anthem of her grace, her beauty, her strength - so that her pulse only knows this rhythm and with every beat of her heart, another note its ode to her greatness.

This picture...this picture was taken just a few months after I almost died in my mother's arms...I know now, there was too much waiting for me for such a premature ending. Every moment of my life a thread in the greater fabric.

One day I want to look at that picture and not feel sad, or so pulled to rescue that sweet, dear little baby from what I know awaits her.

I've read ahead in the story - she turns out fine. She turns out beautiful and wise and deep and rich but the long road it took to get here catches up with her sometimes and demands reckoning - for all the tears never cried, for all the hurt never felt, for all the screams that never found their way out and for all the times she drew herself in because she didn't trust that she could reach out.

I am a product of my past but I am the ultimate author of this life - THIS belongs to me and now I know.

In hindsight

2010-04-30T07:24:00.000-07:00

April was phenomenally busy for me - on top of cultivating a relationship with a woman who re-entered my life with more bang the second time around, I've been event planning and hosting for Sexual Assault Awareness Month...that's what I do by day, *wink*.

I am the Director of the Rape Recovery Team - we serve and partner with survivors of sexual assault. For the month, we wanted to hold several events in the community to raise awareness, educate and ideally make a shift...all in good time.

Life has been hectic to say the least and barely say nothing at all - especially, lest I forget, I am in the process of moving as well...hope to gather the final load of boxes TODAY. I move like I live - by the thread on the seat of my pants. I had movers move the furniture and other heavy stuff and I packed a car load of boxes at a time, took them over, unpacked and returned to fill them again. Sometimes, I just stack them, still full and find another something to fill with my stuff.

If I didn't know better, and perhaps I don't, I would think that I was deliberately trying to drive my own sweet self to lunacy.

Nevertheless, it's coming to a close - that's a wrap folks!

Sexual Assault Awareness Month is over and all boxes of schtuff are ALMOST moved over from the house to my new apartment AND...

...the 'she' of my new budding romance, still loves me and has supported me through it all.

We have had some hard knocks in the last three months - don't get me wrong. We have bickered and stomped away, always to return - we have come face to face with the raw reality of sharing a life with another thinking, breathing human being - one who has their own ideas about everything from the brand of tissue we buy to the purpose (or lack of) missionaries in foreign countries. We have had to compromise and listen and accept and create space for this other person who means so much to our happiness and the path of our life...so that they might have very well become the path of our life.

Love is our greatest masterpiece...at least that's what I'm thinking.

Thank you...

2010-04-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

Because I don't say it enough...

Because I have SO much in this world blessing me...

Because every step away is a step toward and every step toward is a new beginning, a rebirth - a step outside of samskara (past seeds or impressions we create with habit).

Thank you.

For life, for love, for breath...

For the hum of energy in the landscape of a well-lived life - the spread of energy as we move in and out of the realm of others.

Thank you.

I am in awe and I am living, breathing gratitude.

The way life goes...

2010-03-10T05:22:00.001-08:00

So...it's been a while since my last post and SO much has happened in my life...so much. I have been blessed with fullness and depth and color, I have grown and I have stretched beyond that which I thought possible...most of all, I have fallen in love.

In the last couple of months I have been settling into my new role of Director at my nonprofit, and all the growth and bounty there, I was involved in the Vagina Monologues, and had my life altered dramatically from delivering the story of a woman who endured unspeakable torture and annihilation of body, mind and spirit yet certainly rose again, and I reunited with a beautiful woman from my past and found in her, as she found in me, what we were not able to find or nurture almost two years ago...

There is so much more to this story and I will share the pieces as I wiggle my way back into the world of my writing...

Peace and love...always.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thoughts to ponder...

2010-01-21T07:33:00.000-08:00

The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it ~ Sri Nisargadatta

Who knows why life unfolds the way it does; why we choose one path or another, share the way for a while or a day, then say goodbye. There is no predictability here, and less control than we might wish. But there is the quiet raging of the heart, the knowing in the soul, the wisdom beneath the mind, accessible if we breathe and turn inside ~ Danna Faulds

Shenpa

2010-01-19T06:12:00.001-08:00

Currently, I am reading "Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves From Old Habits and Fears" by Pema Chodron.

I just finished the chapter entitled "The Habit of Escape" and she introduced a concept, a Tibetan word, shenpa, often translated as attachment.

For Chodron, attachment is too abstract a translation and she goes a little further, offering 'hooked' - what it feels like to be hooked or stuck.

If someone says something that you disagree with and you feel the urge swell inside of you to say something to defend your own view or argue their point, this is shenpa...the urge.

Chodron also offers shenluk - renunciation. "Turning shenpa upside down...getting unhooked".

And by unhooking, Chodron does not suggest that we rid ourselves of that which incites us or produces an unhealthy reaction but that we evaluate our self, especially our reactions, thoughts and feelings and loosen our attachment, that which keeps us identifying with reactions, thoughts and feelings so strongly that we use it to seperate ourself from others.

Know yourself enough to know...to really, really know.

So here we are in a beautiful, beautiful world filled with beautiful living things and possibilities - we do not have to remove ourselves from the world to be free of shenpa...we only need to allow for that which takes us closer to natural intelligence, really knowing ourselves.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I am...

2010-01-16T14:10:00.001-08:00

I am elusive and have no desire to be defined.

I am enigmatic with no pull to be solved.

I am fearless seeking no bulwark, boundless no bounds.

Illusions crumble...
And time clarifies truth.

I am all and everything that ever eluded me and the precipice of the unknown has no power here.

Bliss-ful News

2010-01-15T05:30:00.000-08:00

I have written here before about taking some time away from teaching, which really turned into a mere lightening of my teaching load. I have gone from a lot of subbing and three classes a week to two classes a week and very little, if any at all, subbing.

The practice of yoga changed my life, my heart, my outlook, my body and my mind and it refined my core - I don't think our essence or core can be changed so much as refined. We are who we are but sometimes we are reluctant or oblivious to the light inside of us.

Anyway, if I've never clarified this here, I teach at one studio in town and practice at another - nothing personal, I just find what aligns most with my journey at the latter.

I approached my teacher about teaching at her studio and working closer with her to go deeper, to know more, to refine my style and my teaching and she was very receptive. This was such a blessing for me because we are SO not a yoga town and sometimes it can feel quite alienating to know things like energy fields, bodies and lines, chakras, sanskrit, etc. and not have a community with which to share...'tis why I love my blog space...my virtual yoga mat.

So, after class earlier this week she approached me about teaching and, while they don't have any available classes now, she asked if I would be willing to take a workshop (for FREE) on the proper way to assist students and then attend classes, for now, to assist. Even better, I will get free classes for my time and to that I say...

...You betcha!

So this was good news worth sharing...though most of this transition and planning happened before the holidays when I was feeling terribly uninspired by my practice (and meditation) and I am pose-by-pose, breath-by-breath, mindful pause-by-mindful pause finding my lover-ly groove, I still feel this is the best path for me now.

I love new beginnings...I love the pregnant unknown, ripe and round with possibility and promise.

Life is good and I can't say it enough.

Love...

(P.S. The studio I will be assisting at soon is 'Bliss'--thus the title of this post)

Thoughts on my liberation...

2010-01-14T19:22:00.000-08:00

I do things the hard way - bottomline.

I'm a school-of-hard-knocks sort of girl and a walking hot mess...more so now that I'm single.

I'm ruining myself for other people...I'm like an animal fresh from a cage, a woman finding her power and simultaneously defining the border around her. Don't mistake - it's a crossable border...with a passport - we don't let just anyone in...anymore.

I've learned my lesson.

But man oh man it's been a ride...a long, necessary, bumpy, beautiful ride.

Now that I and I alone have the reins, where will I go? Hell, where WON'T I go?

It feels liberating and scary and tentative and empowering all in one.

Liberation and awareness are the fount from which I drink...may I never be swayed from their nectar.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My Smile

2010-01-11T19:41:00.001-08:00

I noticed, as I went about my day today all stress-faced and serious, completely consumed in my own affairs, closed off to others, that I had no smile and when I forced it, I felt it...the pinched, pursed lips.

Attractive.

But I when I left the office after a 9 hour day, and I have to say - those 9 hours only revealed more that I have yet to learn, as spent as I was, I reminded myself that when I walk in the front door of my house, all of that which weighed my face down stays put - outside, away from the children, who only know they have not seen me all day and I them.

And I did it.

I have little ongoing success with unloading so this was big but bigger still was the change of perspective that this little mind exercise inspired for me.

I took note of my blessings as they presented themselves to me from this point in my evening.

The stuff that could get swept between the cracks of ones larger life...a board game with my kids, movie time and homemade soup, a dear soul willing to sub my class tonight so I could stay with my children (AND she was the first call I made), a friend picking up tickets for the Indigo Girls concert so I don't have one MORE thing to do...and dear cyber friends taking the time to share their thoughts with me here, helping me to feel heard, charting a new kind of conversation.

The little stuff means a lot.

And it was the little stuff that drew the corners of my reluctant mouth up for the smile I had been waiting for ALL day.

Love and peace to each and every one of you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Zen Shorts

2010-01-09T19:52:00.001-08:00

I expanded beyond that which I thought was impossible and my bounty grew.

Though the fear threatened to keep me safe and sequestered in a bubble, I redefined boundaries and dared my own indifference.

Life is good to me and love is my truth.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Compassionate Rebel

2010-01-04T05:22:00.000-08:00

I promised more on Kuan Yin after my prior post and I aim to deliver.

This past weekend, I was walking the mall with my niece, who was sleeping like a little princess in her stroller, and I stopped by Teavana for a hot coconut, ginger tea...yum.

While I was waiting on the tea to steep, I walked around browsing the shelves, all the while knowing that I could never in a million years afford much in there except for the tea steeping for me.

I came to a shelf with a statue on it that literally stopped me where I stood and I was drawn into her.

I was about to find out why.

This female, sitting atop a rock, had her right foot propped on the rock with her knee bent and her right elbow sitting on the knee, hand hanging freely. Malas, draping her neck, adorned her bare chest. She emanated power, as if she had experienced every trial and tribulation, every joy and contentment and there she sat, no stranger to life's surprises and certainly not a bystander.

I checked the base of the statue, Kuan Yin.

Immediately, I googled her on my iPhone and found several websites that I browsed quickly, reading enough to know why I was drawn to her in the first place. Serendipity.

One of the first websites I found was this one and I LOVED the reference to her as the Compassionate Rebel.

Her name means "compassionate nature"--one who hears the cries of the world.

As a mother and a rather sensitive person, this resonates with me. My heart has always, for as long as I can remember, expanded to hold the sorrows of others. I long to help, I long to rescue and resolve suffering.

Her origins are Chinese and legend says that she was once a mortal woman. The following is a clip from the site above that offers insight into her magic for me:

It is said that in the past, there once lived a king under whose rule the people led a peaceful existence governed by Confucian ethics. He had three daughters; the eldest two having already married the grooms of their father's choice. The youngest offspring however, was unlike any other normal child. Firstly, when she was born, her body glowed with an almost unearthly light so much so that the palace seemed on fire. She was thus befittingly named Miao Shan (Wonderful Goodness).

Secondly, as she grew up, she wore only dirty clothes and never did display any urge to adorn herself. Further, she would subsist on only a single meal every day. In her conversations she would talk about the impermanence of material things and how human beings suffer because of their attachment to such objects. Naturally worried about their daughter's detached inclinations, her parents proposed that (as per the Confucian ideals of filial piety) she too marry a husband of their choice. To this she replied:

"I would never, for the sake of one lifetime of enjoyment, plunge into aeons of misery. I have pondered on this matter and deeply detest this earthly union (marriage)." Nevertheless, when her parents insisted, she agreed to comply with their wishes if only her future mate would save her from the following three misfortunes:

1). When people are young, their face is as fair as the jade-like moon, but when they grow old, the hair turns white and faces become wrinkled; whether walking, resting, sitting, or lying down, they are in every way worse off than when they were young.

2). Similarly, when our limbs are strong and vigorous one may walk as if flying through air, but when we suddenly becomes sick, we are confined to the bed.

3). A person may have a large group of relatives and be surrounded by his flesh and blood, but when death comes, even such close kin as father and son cannot take the person's place.
Finally she concluded: "If indeed my future husband can ensure my deliverance against these misfortunes, I will gladly marry him. Otherwise, I vow to remain a spinster all my life. People all over the world are mired in these kinds of suffering. If one desires to be free of them, the only option is to leave the secular world and enter the gate of Buddhism."

This narrative of course, is parallel to one of the most significant episodes from the life of the Buddha when he encountered the three maladies of physical existence: sickness, old age and death.

Her story continues--to sum it up, her father sends her to live with nuns, hoping they can change her heart but she's far too strong willed for that and after a period of time is scheduled for beheading. Fortunately, she escapes this fate.

Cut to her father, the king, who sent her away in the first place, resistant to his saucy daughter's courage and determination, he was living in terrible suffering with an incurable disease. A holy mendicant predicted that: "If some person would willingly consent to give his or her arms or eyes without the slightest anger or resentment, the elixir made of these potent ingredients will surely relieve you from your suffering."

The king was certain that there would never be found a person with that level of compassion in their heart...but...

there was.

When the king healed, he and his wife insisted on meeting the dear one compassionate enough to make such an immense sacrifice for another...as he knelt before the mutilated being, he cast his eyes upwards and saw his daughter Miao Shan (Kuan Yin).

Kuan Yin...born of strong will, rebellion, determination and a passion to define her own life while never losing sight of those she shared this life with.

She stopped me in my tracks because she is me and I am her...as are many women walking this earth.

Compassionate Rebels--we fight without weapons, we carry on without force and we love without limits.

Kuan Yin

2010-01-03T20:32:00.000-08:00

More to come after I sleep...but take her in and let her work her magic on you as she did for me...this powerful 'compassionate rebel', as she has been coined on one website, stopped me in my tracks today.

Love...

Commitments for a New Year

2009-12-30T05:46:00.000-08:00

Clean slates...

Fresh starts...

There is something refreshing and inspiring about the starting over, like turning a page, like being born again.

Well...for me, already I feel as if I have been born again and again this past year...change is my constant, I say it time and time again.

Change is my commitment - I do not fear it, I will not be moved.

I do not feel a need to set a resolution - fortunately I already live with intention, more or less guided by my heart, more or less living my truth...at least trying to.

Time is a human construct and the passing of time inevitable...we are presented with a "New" Year everytime time we consciously choose to engage in our life, when we set about to live in harmony with our truth.

However your clean slate presents itself, however your fresh start appears...here's to happiness, here's to authenticity and here's to jumping into our lives at any and every 'awakened' moment.

Love.

Patience w/Self...

2009-12-29T06:08:00.000-08:00

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - everyday begin the task anew~~Saint Frances de Sales

Viparita Karani...I think I love you

2009-12-22T05:12:00.000-08:00

My mind was all over the place this morning and I already anticipated that it would be but in spite of feeling very drawn to my warm spot in bed, I resisted the pull and trudged to the shower.

Within 20 minutes, I was driving to the studio with barely enough space in between origin and destination to aptly heat my car but I was so consumed with berating myself that I hardly felt the icy cold.

I sighed on the mat and I closed my eyes to the studio around me, trying as best I could to find my center and to cultivate peace before our teacher began the invocation.

You can't strong arm peace but try telling that to my mind when she gets caught in a loop...geez.

We were called to standing and with palms pressed in front of my heart, while the others chanted along, I practically begged for peace, acceptance...anything that could possibly still the quaking inside, even if just to muffle the messages of inadequacy I was feeding myself.

All along, thinking to myself, this can't end well.

Sun Salutation A...the first was effortless and divine as I floated from posture to posture.

But then...

A buzz kill. Ujayi breath became irritating...literally, irritating the back of my throat. I live in Florida, I thought to myself, are we seriously lacking in enough humidity to moisten my breath for just this hour? The 'constriction' in the back of my throat tickled every time I inhaled...change the breath, you say? Hell no...I'm a serious yogini, surely I can create moisture there if I just swallow enough spit.

Focus Tina.

Calm the mind...soothe your practice with a gentle breath.

But I kid you not, if practices have themes--and I think, over time, themes emerge in strange ways, from day to day, practice to practice--this practice would be 'the spot in the back of my throat that moisture forgot'. Ideally, however, themes should be that which takes you beyond yourself and your tendencies to explore new possibilities, not turn your mind into one gigantic crock-pot, a veritable hot mess of stagnation.

Anyway...

Finally, nearing the end of class the humidifier was turned on and with every spare brain cell that wasn't occupied by the many available loops in my brain, I willed that wet, warm air my way.

Pray for moisture Tina and moisture you shall have.

The snot faucet swelled with what began as a tickle of impending sneeze pressure before graduating to a double-nostril slurpy clog with lousy surface tension as it repeatedly trickled beyond the brink of my nose.

Every forward folding of my body exacerbated the snot-predicament and my focus was shot, my breath was fragmented at best and worst of all, I wouldn't just take the 2 minute bathroom break for a good blow to get me back on track.

No, no. I stubbornly intended to stick it out. THIS, by the way, is precisely what I teach against in my classes--ignoring your body and all its various messages as you practice.

By the time we came to our backs, I was so distracted by the lingering sneeze pressure piercing my nose, I knew that my asana practice was over...I had fought the good fight and was going to call it quits...just as my instructor changed her usual flow and had us rest our legs up the wall.

This was it--no going upside down, no shoulder stand...just legs up the wall to restore the body, to cultivate healing and peace.

One more good wipe of my wet nose and I obliged.

And at that, the peace came as I settled into my space, warmed by my blanket and lulling my mind with the stillness.

Some days are 'quieter' than others in my head, some days certainly have an element of comedy but the practice continues...I hear all is coming.

Peace and love...

Traditions

2009-12-16T19:59:00.001-08:00

The pomander ball...an orange pierced with cloves and tied with ribbon.

My grandmother created this tradition for me when I was five years old...30 years ago at her kitchen table, my little brother at my side.

I have been doing them with my children along the way because I felt drawn to...because my grandmother's longing to share a piece of her tradition with me made it so.

This week has revealed to me the current of family that runs through my life like a sutra...an invisible thread linking one thing to the next.

Namaste'

Prayer of St. Francis

2009-12-13T20:04:00.000-08:00

I am in beautiful North Georgia visiting my parents and siblings with my children.

I will certainly post some pics tomorrow as we head toward the mountains but in the meantime, a story.

I went to church with my family this morning in a gesture of love - I thought it time to make peace with the church I left over 17 years ago.

Instead, I felt sound affirmation for my decision. Everytime I thought I might just be able to get on board, like maybe they loved and accepted all beings, like maybe they could love past differences, like maybe they did not need to change someone elses heart to have their own relationship with their own god...

...they would talk of successful mission trips where Muslims were shown the ere of their ways or how they referred to those, namely Muslims, who do not believe Jesus is the son of god, as living in darkness and it was their duty to redeem them...show those fools the light.

It made me sad and depleted me as I sat through it because I love the color of this world, every shade, every hue...I find it freakin' brilliant.

To that end, for my own peace, I give you my favorite prayer...because I do pray...just not for manipulation of anothers heart or 'soul salvation'.

I pray for peace, for love, for happiness and contentment...I pray for all.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen

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A Pendulum..

2009-12-10T20:36:00.001-08:00

Swinging back and forth.

Set into motion by forces outside of herself...

Subject to extremes,

Subject to unseens.

Fiercely and wildly craving,

Reason abandoned and caution to the wind...

She stretches toward the precipice, hands off her destiny, heart flailing like wildness and mind bent toward ecstasy...

For the touch,
For the satiation,
For the longing to subside.
For the wrecklessness to rest in the sweet receipt.

The center is her stillness...

Until the force stirs her into wildness, abandon and any restraint muddles through darkness for some sort of security that will never come.

The pendulum is her...and the wildness is her pulse.

Inescapable.
Unbreakable.

Clarity

2009-12-08T05:21:00.000-08:00

For the next two weeks, I am taking a hiatus from teaching. Fortunately, I have a great friend filling in for me as I take this much needed break that I have been harping about for the last few weeks.

I have taught with consistency for, almost, the last two years and for the last year, I have maintained full-time employment in addition.

Yoga teaching feeds me--it really does. However, I need to step back and focus more on my own practice and my own life in order to refuel the reservoir from which I give.

I have to admit, it's been nice coming home from work and knowing that the rest of the evening belongs to the kids and I--whatever we want to do--without knowing that I must leave again to teach, returning home with only a couple of hours with them before I call it a night.

Last night, I made an unhurried dinner--Mushroom Marsala cream sauce w/onions and pearled couscous (homemade). Then I made truffles, reviewed my little man's schoolwork and we played a family game. Not one second taken for granted.

As I embark on this break time, I find myself in a tricky situation, caught between what I love to do and what I must do.

Fortunately, my day job not only pays the bills but feeds my soul and affords me financial independence--something I have never had until now as I have always been 'taken care of' by my partner-at-the-time.

My yoga teaching feeds the soul but could never pay the bills--at least, not until I own the studio of my dreams...one day.

I also love my children...dearly (duh) and recognize the importance of my being available for them. Part of mothering mindfully is striking that balance of self-fulfillment, self-care and preservation with...theirs.

I have much to consider in the next few weeks...much.

I had a similar conundrum upon completing my graduate course work--I had been accepted to a university in Atlanta for their PhD program and was prepping to make a smooth transition...until...I didn't.

After all of the go-go-go and hustle that I was clearly capable of during my two years of graduate study, came the downshift and we had time in our days, we had leisure and we had each other.

The more I write, the closer I get to knowing what I need to do.

I love being a mother and I have longed to be a mother since I was 5 years old putting pillows under my shirt and 9 minutes, versus 9 months, later, I would hold a freshly birthed doll in my arms and we would look out my ground level window to the street beyond with the sky on the horizon and I would silently promise to be the love for her I longed for, to be the fortress of safety that I didn't have, to listen to even the space between her words, to fill in every gap I perceived at that precious little age...I promised.

Clarity.

Giving Space

2009-12-03T05:05:00.000-08:00

This isn't my idea and it's certainly not a new idea but it came to me through a book I was reading, "Life is a Verb".

It one of those great books that you don't have to read from start to finish...pick it up anytime and open to any chapter and begin.

Until I read this book I never thought of 'space' as something we give, as that which can be given as an act of generosity.

As a rape victim advocate I have been doing this for years...holding space, creating space, facilitating space for her to fill. The rape survivor authors that space.

Creating space is certainly something we can do for our students...we should not feel compelled to create the experience for them. The practice will speak to each individual in a different way, in a different tongue and if we don't stand in the way of that, our students can receive in their own way, in their own time.

There are other ways we can create space and I seek out those opportunities throughout my days.

In conversations or other such interactions with others, for myself in the space between my words, recognizing that I don't have to fill every second with chatter. In my mind as I work toward using my breath to guide my mind away from negative or other such destructive thoughts or to calm a budding chaos.

This morning in yoga class my teacher mentioned that we have spikes in our practice as well as plateaus or periods of leveling out.

I may be at a plateau right now... But perhaps I can create space in which to better understand my path, where I'm going, what I have to offer and where I want to grow.

Stillness is not a bad thing so long as it doesn't reach stagnation. Stillness brings perspective and creating space is necessary if we are to have room to grow or change.

In love...

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The Sweet Release

2009-12-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

I love to write.

For me, writing is like a giant exhale...a release or letting go, a deeper understanding or another take.

I am working on a pay it forward post that I was inspired to do by Ecoyogini's endeavor...and it's coming, I promise, but tonight I write for me.

I write because today I ran out of time and I ran out of patience.

I write because my new role at work feels surreal--like I'm an alien navigating a new planet. I know I'm going to love it--god, I know this. For now...it's just different.

I write because I want to remember how refreshing it was to have dinner out with the children after not seeing them all day and wanting to soak up the space between the seconds because I longed for them ALL day.

I write to dance with words...to express sentiment or ideas in new ways...to meditate on the expansiveness of language.

I write to process.

I write to remember.

I write to dance.

Most of all, I write to honor experience--ALL experience.

Namaste'

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Paying it Forward...

2009-12-01T04:53:00.000-08:00

We can be a pretty self-centered bunch-o-folks and I don't think it's intentional, perhaps we stop remembering that we are a small little piece in a gigantic whole, I dunno.

Perhaps we stop remembering that we can have an impact on someone elses life, or at least their day, through our actions or inactions, our words or our silence, the space we hold for them or the space we deny.

As a self-professed and possessed bundle of cocky, I can get a little caught up in me-ness. I'm still balancing the shift I made from self-loathing...so it feels good to love me and lift me up. Whatever. It'll even out.

I digress.

Being of the happy-to-be-me variety, I am fed spoonful after spoonful of soul food when I do for others. I feel a part of something and I also feel as if it stirs a little awareness in both me the giver and my receiver of our greater interconnectedness.

This life is so, so good and we are in this together...so hold the door for someone, give up your place in line whether standing or in traffic, surprise a friend or co-worker with coffee or hot tea, leave an anonymous note for someone you know well or hardly at all, write a letter to a loved one instead of a text or email...you're creative, you get the idea.

With all of this being said...

I am thrilled to be one of three people in EcoYogini's 'Pay it Forward' practice and am inspired to do my own.

Want to be a part? Here's the low-down:

I will hand make a gift for the first three lovelies to express their interest in the comments section.
I have 365 days to create and send your gift--oh the anticipation!
What you receive will be a BIG surprise (and when you receive it, huh?).

The only catch is that you must have a blog to join in on the fun and you must do a write up of this 'Pay it Forward' on your space and then dive in by soliciting your own crew of recipients.

Sound good?

Awesome!

Cat Got Your Tongue?

2009-11-30T20:54:00.001-08:00

It's sure got mine!

I have ordered a teaching break for myself. This unfortunately meant backing out of some classes and series that I had committed to and arranging for a friend to teach one of my three weekly classes through December.

I just need a break... I need to clear my head. As of right now I feel as stale as old bread and, while my sequencing is fine, like
I have nothing to offer in the realm of 'more-than-asana'.

This week, I was officially promoted to the Director of Rape Recovery--this was such an honor and sort of where my head has been rather than on my teaching.

Plus--and this will be a real freakin' surprise for my regular readers--I'm still locked up in the throat chakra struggling to find my authentic teaching voice.

Totally frustrating...

I need a free workshop or retreat where I can bask in someone's brilliance and inspiration. Notice I said free--surely you can see my pickle?

I need to speak from my heart without scrutinizing every word.

There's no other way to say it...the cat has my tongue.

I will set out to free it...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Growing Gratitude...

2009-11-24T06:19:00.000-08:00

This is it really, don't you think?

You have to jump start it, rev it up and get it humming.

Water your flower so it can grow...and grow it will!

I noticed this on my way into work this morning as I was reflecting on my morning and the past few days. One happy, thankful thought led to another and I noticed the bounty in my life...as simple as my little life is, I am overflowing with gifts.

My favorite saying is, "my cup runneth over" and I mean that with a fierce sincerity that epitomizes my truth.

What I am thankful for today:

Loving my day job--I love coming to work. There is no dread when I rise in the morning and make my drive in after yoga.
Loving my evening job--I am inspired by the practice I am blessed to share with others.
When I need to take time off to catch my breath or take care of life burps (cable issues, doctor appointments, plumbing situations...etc.) I am paid for that time and do not have to sacrifice my peace of mind and quality of life for $$$.
Even though I am no longer at home with my children full-time anymore, I balance family, work and personal elements of my life in a way that feeds my soul.
For clarity.
For abundance, especially a new opportunity that has presented itself to me and could very well be the start of something new in my life.
For my yoga practice and how it creates harmony in my life overall--more than physically, which has its own benefits (I don't care to eat past the point of sufficiency, I desire healthy foods and THINK about what I eat, I feel great and vibrant, the list goes on and on), I have more space in my mind which spills over into my life, my heart is open and I am aware of the middle way, adhering to it whenever I can but certainly now more than ever.
For chocolate...dark chocolate...yum.
For my iPhone. Oh yes.
For my children and how MUCH they bring to my life--god I LOVE those little ones and I am wiser and better because of them.
For knowing I could continue to write this list until the end of time and so, for having THAT much to be thankful for.

May your Thanksgiving be filled with love and peace.

Tina

In the still of the night...

2009-11-23T18:15:00.001-08:00

I feel so refreshed and at peace.

I have spent the last four days filling the moments with soulfood. Granted, I bought myself an iPhone and have used some time learning all of her capabilities and some may consider that to be rogue, materialistic pleasure but I have never splurged on myself before.

I have always waited on others to buy me gifts, especially significant others, but this gift was mine to give...to and for me.

I had two extra days off and enjoyed time with my children--this morning taking them to a local cafe for breakfast and schoolwork. Noticing their faces and their words...noticing details of our environment.

I planted poinsettias in my hanging baskets on the front of the house--my special, tradition to welcome and bless the season. This is also my way of saying "this isn't just any house...love lives here".

Later we went to my son's play--he's been working very hard with his theater mates for the last three months and their hard work paid off. It was wonderful to be there for him and to watch his light shine.

I wasn't always, every minute perfect in my presence or my patience or my awareness but my appreciation for this day and it's many gifts runs deep within me and even now, as I sit in the still of the night, I know I live a blessed life.

Love lives here.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thoughts for the evening...

2009-11-22T18:24:00.001-08:00

I have so much to be thankful for and look forward to this week of spending time with family.

I am going to spend Thanksgiving with my Granmom. My mom will be there (her daughter) and my brother and I with our children.

Four generations.

All of those stories and experiences in one place...waiting to be shared so as to live on forever in our hearts, minds and history.

This is how we become boundless.

Love...

Morning Yin

2009-11-18T05:35:00.000-08:00

This morning, with only an hour to practice, I opted for Yin. With all of the strengthening that my practice typically entails, I thought it time to balance with a practice that would dig deeper into the connective fabric of my being, so that my strength might be matched by agility.

The Morning Yin went something like this:

Butterfly (a loose bound angle)
Once upright--a gentle, seated backbend from Butterfly
Pigeon on right side
Firelog (left leg swings around, left knee atop right ankle, left ankle atop right knee)
From firelog--twisting left
From firelog--gentle, seated backbend
From firelog--folding forward
Repeat on the other side
Reclined Hero (or Saddle in Yin)
Child's Pose
Frog
Cat Flow from Table
Down Dog
Sun Salutation A (3x)
Headstand
Yoga Nidra 15 minutes

For the Yin poses 1-11, I held for a few minutes (except the twists) and because I need the energy and flow of my Sun Salutations, I threw in a couple per body wisdom. Finally, I REALLY enjoy practicing Headstand when I haven't had a vigorous practice because I have so much more to offer for the integrity of the pose.

Peace.

The Waiting Line

2009-11-18T05:03:00.000-08:00

In the coffee shop this morning, I noticed the handsome man ahead of me--we exchanged smiles and I kept it moving.

As I turned to fill my cup from the coffee trough, I noticed my particular brew was missing from its stand and I laughed at my presumptuousness. He laughed with me and more smiles were exchanged.

I made a comment about being a creature of habit...and we stood together waiting for the same brew.

As the full carafe was returned to its home, he gestured for me to have the first cup. We moved about the coffee bar in our little coffee dance and I enjoyed being drawn to him.

I took every opportunity to look at him and felt him do the same.

I left with him walking out behind me and I turned to smile at him one more time before I walked to my car, imagining, already, the many grand gestures that might be made on either part to extend our self to the other.

Hmmm.

You can see how quickly my mind can get away from me--I'm such a daydreamer and I always have been.

Surely some of you remember John Schneider from the Dukes of Hazard? He was one of my MANY childhood crushes. I use to fantasize that we would come back later in my life to my former elementary school and we would sit together, with our child, in the library holding a small scale press conference where the children could ask me what it was like to be married to a celebrity.

Geez.

Taming THIS mind has been a lifetime's work.

This morning, fellow coffee patron from the waiting line was my John Schneider.

It's all good, I can live with being a work in progress...but one day, just one day I want to step outside that daydream and dare that grand gesture without fear or second guessing.

Love to you all.

The Weekend

2009-11-16T05:22:00.000-08:00

Whew.

I needed that--needed time with and for my children, time with and for myself.

What a great weekend!

I started it off Friday evening by making Buffalo Wings for my boy and I--he's been begging me for some time now--and a vegetarian alternative for my daughter, fresh cut veggies with blue cheese and ranch dressings and three different movies.

Saturday morning my 'practice' was an hour and half walk along our river--I tried little spurts of jogging to break it up and build a little endurance--and then stretched in the park when I was done. Nothing can clear my head like a good walk, especially when I'm walking on the river--I am so drawn to water and city sounds and this Riverwalk of ours takes you from our quaint little historic neighborhood, along the banks of the St. Johns River, to the heart of downtown.

As I was preparing breakfast, we had a knock on our door and I could see two ladies standing on the porch. My typical response is to ignore them until they go away but something told me to at least greet them before turning down what they were peddling.

I approached my glass door and was greeted with sincere smiles that I couldn't resist--as I opened the door, prepared to tell them my toast was in danger of burning, 'make it quick', one of them handed me a flyer advertising Thanksgiving basket giveaways at their church (a church new to our neighborhood and I have had the pleasure of watching their growth over the last month from one building to the strip across the street).

I feel I need a disclaimer here--I am NOT religious, probably more of an atheist if I were forced to step into a box. I have actually had quite a chip on my shoulder in regards to religion for the better part of my adult life. However, as of late, I am softening to that which brings people hope, to that which instills and breeds love, peace and acceptance in their lives, for themselves and in their regard of others.

Sometimes Tina, that is what religion does for people--it's not all fire and brimstone.

That is what religion was doing for these women and their church. They were walking door to door in our little outskirts-of-the-city neighborhood, where there are many living in need, sharing their desire to help--to offer hope and love through these Thanksgiving baskets.

I was touched by their mission and shared with them that I work with many clients who could very well benefit from this drive of theirs and asked if I might forward the flyers on, to which they responded with more love and more flyers and an eagerness to help our agency now and in the future.

We arranged to work together, exchanged phone numbers and parted ways--I didn't even burn my toast and I was SO glad I opened the door after all.

Now the kids and I had a purpose for our first stint out of the house--we were going to purchase some food for their basket giveaway.

Fortunately, our local grocery store had many relevant BOGO (buy-one-get-one) deals and we stocked up!

Before heading on to the rest of our day we dropped off our package and were met with hugs and warmth and more irresistible smiles! It was awesome and quite the step for me as someone who has had a bit of a struggle with religion but again--anything that brings you hope and inspires you to walk in love and compassion is good enough for me.

The rest of the weekend was filled with brownie baking, down time, necessary cleaning (ick), more games, TWO yoga magazines arriving in Saturday's mail (yippie!), slacklining where I was learning to stand...simply stand and finding the stillness in my mind for this level of balance to be accessible, and finally, space in between the thoughts...restorative for sure and VERY--MUCH--NEEDED.

When I am here, in this place of self-awareness and self-care, I am so much more equipped, willing and able to share of myself with others.

Yoga is intuitiveness of our body/mind--a communion with self however that manifests. On some days it may manifest in a walk, a brownie-bake-fest with children, an open mind with church ladies, a particular magazine that inspires the happy-dance, a body-honoring asana flow or a stillness in the mind born of peace or acceptance of monkey-mind.

My cup runneth over...with space to be filled.

Love.

Space Between

2009-11-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

I feel all talked out right now. Like I have said everything of significance in my wee little mind and there is nothing left but chatter...white noise.

I've become a critical observer to my teaching...caught in a negative feedback loop AS I'M TEACHING, monitoring every word, second guessing my instruction, my words or lack of words. Augh.

I need this weekend to pull back, to withdraw a bit into me and marinate in my own head...I need some space in between all these words, expectations and obligations.

I started this post last night and finally closed my laptop for sleep, thinking this feeling would pass--this worn out, have nothing to say, little to give, sucked and stuck inside myself sort of feeling.

But it didn't.

I woke up just as blase'.

I'm strongly considering cancelling breakfast with a friend--a standing date that we, for the most part, have weekly--but I'm trying to trudge forward, through the muck.

I almost feel as if I have no identity--like I'm a blur.

I tried to meditate this morning and it was the smoothest meditation I can remember because my mind was free of ripples and wrinkles--am I really too exhausted to think?

Augh.

The path isn't always pretty--I accept that and on many levels, embrace it. I've never been afraid of my shadow, if anything I dare its darkness and step right inside. For most of my young life, the darkness cloaked me and I found solace in its familiarity.

For me, my shadow offers space to deal with the dirty stuff that could take me down, break my heart or dim my spirit if I were to avoid it--it's a resting place. I can stand taller when I rise from my knees and I see my world with a freshness that invigorates me.

So I bask in this space between happy and sad...a limbo woven of unkindled inspiration and listlessness...for now.

And just to show that I'm not an entirely lost cause--my blessings:

My daughter wrote me the sweetest email yesterday--expressing her love for and admiration of me. I needed that--we are at that funny teenage place, a place too complex to trivialize by attributing it to just her age. It is a necessary and beautiful metamorphosis.
My son seeks my time and attention by always suggesting things we can do together, be it games, a walk, a book, cooking...you name it, he wants to do it with me.
My coffee is delicious and warming.

In order to experience the light of this life, I think it's imperative to really experience the dark...it's just the other side of something we deem wonderful and is replete with its own, dare I say, gifts.

Be light, be peace, be change...love.

Sorrow by Kyle Elden

2009-11-09T20:29:00.000-08:00

I saw this on the Grace Intoxicated blog--I love this poem...I need it right now, feeling a little covered in mud.

Don’t give your life away to sorrow
to watch its flames take everything into
burning light,
to watch the smoke
of your dreams spell out the language
of longing and loss, to hang heavy in your clothes
and on your hair forever.

When you arrive at this place
and find yourself covered in the mud
in this thickness you walk through
get down on your knees,
prayer on your breath
dirt on your lips ~ and like the lotus flower
submerged in swamp, raise laughing
and red, bright as Jupiter pulling her many moons in a tidal dance

Slackline Yoga

2009-11-08T09:32:00.000-08:00

The line strung & anchored between two trees in the front yard of my house:

Finding balance on my own by letting go of the chair at my side:

Learning how to fall...there's a lesson here:

I know they're there if I need them but easing into balancing on my own:

Okay...someone's getting cocky:

Chair Pose with support:

Warrior I with support (those poles came in real handy!):

Crow Pose perhaps? Eventually...maybe?

These pictures are from the afternoon of my birthday--the family experienced the slackline with me: my sister-in-law, my children, my mom, my niece (well, we held her there...she's only 5 months).

It was an incredible experience--to be celebrating a birthday, my 35th, where we inevitably get older, yet to be endeavoring a new hobby that challenges my strength, balance and determination.

I learned something pretty cool on (and off) the slackline that day. Slackline yoga was more than just learning how to balance on the line...I had to also learn how to fall.

Slacklining was a test of my strength and my balance, requiring mental and physical steadiness or 'staying up' in a way that was prepped to fall and falling in a way that left me able to get back up. A metaphor for life perhaps?

Thought for the Day

2009-11-04T06:46:00.000-08:00

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough--Meister Eckhart

There is so much within and between every moment deserving of our gratitude--may your cup runneth over on this day.

More later...

Namaste'

The Invitation by Oriah

2009-11-02T18:10:00.000-08:00

I feel certain I have posted this along the way but man, it's worth repeating. I love this poem. I love how it embodies ALL that we are as complex, multi-faceted beings.

I am my shadow and my light, I am my together and my falling apart, my chaos and my balance, my crazy and my sane.

I HIGHLY recommend reading Oriah's book, "The Invitation" where she writes about the path to her truly touching poem--she too celebrates all the pieces of her whole.

And now...The Invitation.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Hello November!

2009-11-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

The month of my birth, 35 years ago.

Wow.

Surreal.

Especially because I can still remember, vividly, details of days LONG ago...totting around at 2 years old in my plastic kitchen, napping on my 6-foot long stuffed frog, flirting at 5, my first kiss in the woods near my house at 11...what a life!

How is it that I'm just getting started?

This birthday is sort of special for me. I have treated myself to my first tattoo, I have received my slackline kit to begin my adventure into slacker yoga and I'm healthier than I have ever been in my life.

A celebration is in order and cupcakes are a'coming!

For the last 2 years I have been staking a claim in myself like never before--long overdue because of the extent to which I was accustomed to giving to others, especially my children--but I can feel it leveling out and it makes me happy.

I don't want to feel self-centered because it really was a necessary shift--however, all things are coming into balance for me now. I take what I need so I can give not only what I have, but what I manifest.

This is the start of something beautiful and I happily greet this month with open arms!

Love to all who read...may blessings abound in your life.

Figuring this stuff out...

2009-10-27T14:50:00.001-07:00

I have stumbled upon several awesome new-to-me blog additions lately (all added to the list on the left) and have found conversation among them regarding what to teach, how to teach, why to teach, etc.

I find it all very interesting and it is my hope that we are all moved to teach in a way that authentically represents our personal path--no personas. What you see is what you get.

I can only speak for me.

This is where you'll find me.

I have no front, no game.

See this comes easy for me--I never have. What you see is REALLY what you get.

I can't even flirt good--I'll giggle. Except maybe after wine...I digress.

I teach with my heart and I usually incorporate Dharma talks from lessons I've learned--earlier in the day or week--or from something I have read. Sometimes, I have no talk on my tongue and class is rather quiet except for the calling of poses and the necessary alignment language.

But then, isn't that just as good?

Do we really have to create the experience for the students? Can't we just sometimes offer it up and allow it to blossom in their care and awareness, through their movement and within their breath?

Let's do a sequence, shall we?

2009-10-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

I've been heavy on the talk lately and think it high time I offer a sequence to this space...and so, without further ado, from beginning to end, a little flow.

Begin with sitting

I like to offer this period as the 'transition' from our outbound practice to our inbound practice, from the outside to the inside.

Seated twist

Staying in the the twist with the shoulders down and turning the head to the opposite side stretching the neck.

Butterfly

Yin style baddha-konasana, long hold, 1-3 minutes.

Seated backbend

Transition to table for Cat Flow

Rounding the spine, scooping it out--move with breath.

Gate Pose

Pad the knees if necessary and allow for personal expression of the foot on the extended leg.

Downward Facing Dog

To invigorate...

OR

Child's Pose

To restore...

Surya Namaskar (Sun Salutation A) x3

Utkatasana (Chair Pose)

Uttanasana (Forward Fold)

Inhale, lengthen spine and look up if possible, exhale and step the right foot back for...

Easy Lunge

Right knee to the mat, top of the right foot resting. Let upper body hang heavy over the lunging leg, neck relaxes and head hangs heavy.

From easy lunge, with inhale, brings hands to the knee and lengthen the spine.

Twist by taking the right elbow to the outside of the left knee, palms pressing together and the shoulders pull back.

Release twist and with inhale step to the front.

Repeat on the other side.

Warrior Flow

Just like Sun A but from DD, step right foot forward and rise to Warrior I, open to Triangle Prep (so turn to face the left, arms reaching out shoulder height) and ride the reaching out of the right arm as the hand makes its way to ground (somewhere along the leg or the inside/outside of the foot). The top hand comes down on a exhale, so hands are framing front foot, step back to DD.

Repeat on the other side.

Tree Pose

I like to offer eyes closed as an option for those who want to explore their inner balance, their ability to rely on personal trust and equilibrium.

Flow to DD

One legged DD

Knee to chest plank pose, holding for strength for several breaths then rest knee down for...

Pigeon

Holding upright for about a minute, then folding forward.

Press back upright and move into DD allowing the blood flow to return to the hip.

Repeat on the other side.

Come down to seated.

Forward Fold

Dandasana Twist

Upward Facing Plank

Navasana (Boat) x3

Roll to back

Bridge

Inversion

I suggest that students practice the inversion they are working on or feeling for that night.

Supine Twist--Any variation

Savasana Meditation

We usually stay for 10-15 minutes.

Namaste'

I LOVE this...

2009-10-22T06:04:00.001-07:00

I found this picture and interview snippet at another blog this morning, "The Devil Wears Prana" and I had to share here.

I've seen this story in a few places over the last couple of days and I really wanted to share. For me, there is something about men practicing yoga that softens me a little--we need more men in my home studio for sure.

There is also something for me in the personal expression of yoga, how one describes the effect of the practice on the body, mind, spirit complex--without the lingo, without quoting from others or texts on what we're supposed to feel, without pretension--just genuine love expressed through words and revealed in actions...radiating.

I hope you too are inspired by this...

WOODY HARRELSON:

Yoga is the best thing for your sex life! It keeps you limber in all kinds of ways. It teaches you to love your body and your partner’s body. But more than anything, it keeps your mind liquid, and nothing’s sexier than that. Mind and body open to possibilities.

I read this quote from Bruce Lee, one of the greatest quotes ever. He said, “Be water.” We can become so rigid in our beliefs, in our thinking, and I think yoga is a great way to force you outside of your mental and physical rigidity. My mind was rigid growing up, as I’ve explained, but so was my body.

Super tight.

Yoga started curing the chronic pain I had, but it also released my mind along with it. In many ways I feel I’m battling to stay liquid, to be like water. I don’t want to be a superficial guy, you know? I want to get out from under all the superficiality of our culture and live free of the strictures our society places on us.

I want to be a sensory person but not be controlled by the senses.

I want to live a spiritual life but not be controlled by religion.

I want to live free but also devote myself to family and the love of the great woman I share my life with.

What’s great is that for the first time I’m finding that balance. I still have a long way to go in some areas, but that’s part of what keeps things interesting—figuring it all out. But in general, man, I wake up every morning asking, “What the fuck did I do in my last life to deserve the amazing fucking life I got in this one?”

(If you're interested, you can read the full interview here.)

Ego

2009-10-19T05:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Ego:

I have a few things to get off my chest and really need you to read carefully.

You are an ugly little devil.

You are a perpetual thorn in my side.

You are an embezzler of my greatness and on most days, I'm tempted to kick your ass. No one likes a bully.

However, if I may speak frankly, I learn some of my greatest lessons from you but damn you for not teaching from the blackboard. Why must ALL my lessons be so freakin' public and real world?

Eagerly awaiting your reply.

Sincerely,
Tina

Love all around...

2009-10-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

Wishing you love, wishing you peace, wishing you joy.

Significance

2009-10-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember, I have admired tattoos on the bodies of others...been quite mesmerized by them, drawn to them in a hard to explain sort of way.

I also admired how you could possibly choose something that would be on your body FOREVER. I questioned whether I had that sort of commitment being that change is my constant.

So I began to plan for a tattoo, still of the mindset that 'one day' I'd take the plunge, 'one day' that'd be me, 'one day'...

I wavered back and forth between ideas, between areas of the body that I would ink first (that's right, first because I already knew there would be more than one, there would have to be). Perhaps I'd tattoo the Om symbol, or a Sanskrit mantra, or...???

Some things I knew for sure. I would NOT be tattooing any name on my body--not even those of my children. They have me in their life, they have my love, my attention, affection, commitment, adoration...they may not have my body. They resided within me for nearly 10 months each--their claim is over.

I know some people feel drawn to have names...to each their own, really. It just simply does not speak to me...kind of makes my chest heavy a little. I thrive under my own autonomy--I can't explain it but this I know. I belong to me so that I may give to others...not belong to others.

I digress.

Then I realized that I do WAY TOO MUCH TALKING in my life. I needed to commit. I set a date. This was happening.

I am turning 35 in November (November 5th) and this birthday is a big deal for me because I want to celebrate my life--I have survived against many odds and not just the 'making it' sort of survival--I thrive in my life and I love every minute, even the ones that don't come with sunshine and daisies.

And lately, within the last two years especially, I have lived with such an intensity, with purpose in my choices, my abstentions and my path. Sure I wish this would have happened sooner but it's here now and I'm on fire for my life--initiating big changes and not fearing the effects.

So there--I would have my tattoo on or before my birthday to mark this period of my life. And somehow, with that, I knew. A lotus flower.

The lotus is a symbol of beauty or light in the darkness--a flower that is rooted in the mud with a stem that travels up through the water to bloom on its surface. This is my life.

The darkness of my life has given birth to the beauty.

Having the face of the Buddha in the center of my lotus is my reminder and commitment to walk the middle way, to cultivate a heart of peace, to move past suffering and attachment.

I have two reactions when I catch sight of my tattoo--half of me softens to the meaning and the other half of me puffs out her chest for the edge of me, the yang of me is there *BAM*, bold and emblazoned on my arm. Almost suggesting, "I'm not quite who or what you think". I may be little and I may talk softly but there is a fire in me that will not stand to be underestimated...nor will she be silenced.

So there.

(Pictures of my tattoo can be found in this post).

Namaste'

Pictures of my Tattoo

2009-10-15T06:24:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to say on the experience of this tattoo--it was freakin' phenomenal! But until I do, I let the pictures speak for themselves.

I will say this about the symbolism: the lotus is a symbol of beauty and light in the darkness because it is a flower that grows in the mud. This is my life. The Buddha impression in the leaf of the lotus is my center...my path of the middle way.

For those of little dust...

2009-10-13T05:09:00.000-07:00

This is my last installment from "Eat, Pray, Love" for a while as I have finished reading the book and though I plan to read it again, I am beginning a new journey...a hero's journey, with "The Hero Within". More on that book in later posts, for sure.

For now, I am sharing an excerpt from "Eat, Pray, Love" that really inspired to me look at myself, to look at my teaching and even to the people in my life...looking for dust and for opportunities to dislodge the dust.

'Dust', as it's used here, can best be defined as deception, that which prevents us from seeing clearly, as illusion or distortion. Dust keeps us stuck in place, prevents us from progressing, stunts our growth.

Buddhist lore has a story about the moment that followed Buddha's transcendence into enlightenment. When--after 39 days of meditation--the veil of illusion finally fell away and the true workings of the universe were revealed to the great master, he was reported to have opened his eyes and said immediately, "This cannot be taught."

But then he changed his mind, decided that he would go out into the world, after all, and attempt to teach the practice of meditation to a small handful of students. He knew there would only be a meager percentage of people who would be served by (or interested in) his teachings.

Most of humanity, he said, have eyes that are so caked shut with the dust of deception they will never see the truth, no matter who tries to help them. A few others are so naturally clear-eyed and calm already that they need no instruction or assistance whatsoever.

But then there are those whose eyes are just slightly caked with dust, and who might, with the help of the right master, be taught to see more clearly someday. The Buddha decided he would become a teacher for the benefit of that minority--"For those of little dust..."

I can say with relative certainty that I am one of little dust--I certainly don't have eyes caked shut but am no where close to 'seeing clearly'...as if. In fact, I am prone to frequent dust storms and often have to blink several times to see clearly through the debris before I realize that I am viewing the world through a dirty lens.

Hold on...

2009-10-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

So this morning at 4:00 AM, after I snoozed my alarm for the first of three rounds that I allow, the alarm clock fell off the nightstand and, I guess, in retrieving it, I inadvertently turned it off.

Crap.

Argh.

Cut to 7:15 AM when I'm startled awake, first by the glow of daylight--NO!

Then comes the realization that my dog is barking because my mom has been knocking on the door to be driven to the airport AND my poor daughter is (understandably) freaking out because she woke up on a sodden pillow of cat piss.

Shit.

Argh.

No yoga for me--I have to get to work so I can be home in time to take the children to the park before I leave to teach in the evening...blah, blah, gasp, moan, whine.

So I wrestle my now irritated ass out of bed, open the door for my mom, collect the piss-soaked items from my daughter's bed--comforter, sheets, BRAND*NEW*WORLD*MARKET*PILLOW and Memory Foam mattress cover--instruct her on the proper use of Lysol and literally pole-vault myself into the shower WITH the pillow.

As I begin to soak it under the flow of water from the shower head (and breathe in the ammonia of cat piss as it fills the hot, steamy shower) I see that it is a zip-off cover...but of course.

So, I unzip the damn thing...throw the pillow to my daughter for Lysol intervention and soap up the cover.

Because it is a BRAND*NEW*WORLD*MARKET*PILLOW, the coloring is fresh from the factory and I realize as the turquoise bleeds from the fabric that I am slowly turning blue.

After my excruciating lower body transformation into a reject Smurf, I finish washing the case and pass it to my daughter--we're a regular mom and daughter tag team with cat piss being the glue that binds us.

I hop out of the shower and blaze through the rest of my 'process'...my chest is gripped in stress.

Argh.

CRAP, CRAP, CRAP.

On the drive in to work I alternate between a mind laden with expletives and tiny, almost imperceptible shards of clarity that I can perhaps *be* my yoga...this is what I practice for EVERYDAY, yes?

'K

Here's to holding on for the ride...to holding on for the crazy, unpredictable, often comical and bumpy ride...come what may.

Bring it on...I got this.

Maybe?

Training Wheels

2009-10-08T12:43:00.001-07:00

I highly recommend this reading of 'Training Wheels' from Buddha of Hollywood...check it out!

Living as a Monument

2009-10-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash. We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure...I'm lonely...I'm a failure...I'm lonely...) and we become monuments to them. To stop talking for a while, then, is to attempt to strip away the power of words, to stop choking ourselves with words, to liberate ourselves from our suffocating mantras--Eat, Pray, Love

Seduction is an apt description of what happens when we commit the mind to a particular state--it can be as strong as the pull of a body against which you want to press yourself, the warmth in which you want to lose yourself, as the senses dissolve all reason compromising the ability to think clearly.

The post before this one is from another blog I follow, Buddha of Hollywood--it's called Training Wheels and the author is writing about her daughter's accomplishment of riding her bike without training wheels and how adults slip into a comfort zone somewhere along the way when we run out of things that we must learn to do 'on our own'. I imagine this to be an imperceptible shift that fortifies its hold over us over time.

Ergo, with the help of my practice of yoga, meditation and overall mindfulness, I have been stepping up to, and in to, that which scares and overwhelms me.

I don't want to wear training wheels on my bike anymore--I don't want to be 'comfortable' at the expense of experiencing this ride.

I will no longer live as a monument to my fear, to the voice inside that attempts to minimize me. I am writing a new story about a warrior--a heroine of her own life who cools herself in her shadow now instead of cowering.

Sit with yourself.

Close your eyes.

Find your breath.

As you travel deeper within, dare to ask yourself...what?

What now?

What more?

What for?

Why not?

Then begin...take off the training wheels.

When we enter this world, we have no fear.

We learn to crawl because of sheer will and inspiration to move toward our object of interest. We learn to walk because we have no fear of falling and we learn to talk because we have no concept of proper pronunciation...we take chances because we don't yet know how NOT to.

Begin.

Namaste'

Wild Thing, I think I love you...

2009-10-07T14:44:00.000-07:00

I attribute the goodness of this week to my discovery and practice of Wild Thing.

I have always known this pose as 'Flipping the Dog' but learned it from a John Friend presentation as 'Wild Thing' in the Anusara tradition...but of course, it IS an intense heart opener.

I'm sure my chakras are spinning like mad, crazy little machines in this pose because when I come out--it's on!

We protect the heart--physiologically, psychically and emotionally. Naturally, we are comforted by folding in and around our heart--we can breathe here because we feel safe and the heart is secure. When we open the heart and kick it up to the universe, come what may, we heighten our senses, enliven our prana (life force)--we become hyper-aware and alert.

Sure, it's comfortable and safe to stay folded in, to guard the heart but I don't want comfortable and safe anymore.

Give me the risk, give me the chance, give me room to dare...I trust that I will catch myself if ever I fall.

Finding my voice...

2009-10-06T19:54:00.000-07:00

Tonight I attended UNF's "Take Back the Night" event--I was there as an advocate and a survivor of sexual assault from my childhood.

The event was awesome! We started with a march, all wearing our purple glow bracelets and walking behind a drum line--I didn't even bother to resist the urge to dance...my walls were down and it felt phenomenal.

We made our way to a podium where survivors would gather to share their stories. There was a candle lighting ceremony, a choir and a moment of silence.

Three survivors spoke their truth and I ADMIRED their courage...so much. I've never told my story in that sort of forum...sure, I've trusted individuals along the way but never that many at one time.

After they spoke, the mic was open for anyone who wanted to share--people trickled up and off again. I knew I wanted to speak but I wasn't quite sure I knew what to say...exactly.

I was frozen in place but I REALLY wanted to move toward the stage...that was my goal because then, I knew there was no going back. I play games with myself and sometimes have to move that line I draw in the sand for myself, daring to go forward.

So...

I took the step and another...more still and walked up the stairs of the podium.

The crowd was a little daunting and I still had no idea what I would say.

I pulled the microphone out of the stand, relieved that it was low enough for me to reach...I'm pretty short, not sure if it shows in my pics.

Gave it a quick test... and spoke.

My name is Tina Vaughn--I'm a rape victim advocate and survivor...

I don't really remember what I said after that but I didn't tell my story. I tried to tell the story of the survivors I meet and work with. How they are often told by detectives and the state that they don't have enough evidence to hold their rapist accountable--he will walk.

I tried to tell how the system is failing our victims--of the nearly 500 rapes that are reported in our fair city of Jacksonville, maybe 10 get their day in court.

I hope I said it was shameful...but I can't recall.

I remember putting the microphone back in the stand and walking off relieved...and empowered. My throat chakra has been opening at an alarming rate lately...alarming in that, I find myself speaking up and speaking out like never before.

I find that I am putting myself out there more...taking chances with my words. When I sense fear, I ask myself what I'm afraid of...and then I sign up for it, I jump.

At first, when I was driving home, I was a little embarrassed because I felt as if I had just served a crowd of people a gigantic word-salad with enough for leftovers and left looking like a fool.

But I'm being hard on myself...too hard.

Speak the truth, speak your mind, even if your voice shakes...(author unknown)

The accomplishment, the empowerment was not in what I said...but that I spoke at all because that was my lesson...content comes natural to me; I am often complimented on my speaking skills. Most of the time, I say what I want to say with eloquence but I know who I'm talking to and the common denominator is my comfort--I speak this way when I feel safe and validated.

My lesson last night was getting over fear, speaking out of turn, standing up when I wanted to sit down, using my voice when my instinct was to remain silent.

Baby steps.

Bliss at Bliss

2009-10-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

Tuesday and Thursday mornings at 6:00 AM are my set-aside mornings to practice at Bliss Yoga Shala and I look forward to my Ashtanga Flow w/Shri, the instructor. I don't consider my self an Ashtangi in the strictest sense because I embrace it all and am ALWAYS open to new styles and instructors. If anything, I am drawn to the teachers more than their styles--I bask in their inspirations, their love of the practice and their ability to guide. Shri is once such yogi.

This morning, because of my recent love of 'Wild Thing' and the courage to go for it, I arrived at the shala 10 minutes early so that I could warm my spine up and flow open...open-wide, heart to the sky and throat chakra spinning wildly, craving voice to birth the energy bubbling inside!

What an amazing way to start this class--I was already tingling inside, my heart was open, I was centered and at peace.

The flow began as it always does, with Surya Namaskar A, and I jumped in...heart first. Then head.

I was full of love and peace throughout the class, pampering a cranky hamstring on my right side didn't even quake my stillness, and my face reflected the serenity inside as I summoned my inner Buddha.

Then...Shri, in a successful effort to boldly distinguish between standing poses and floor poses, had us, from our last Warrior Flow, lie back in Supta Bhada Konasana (Supine Bound Angle) to...breathe and, while breathing, allow the body to open passively--simply THE BEST sort of melting open.

Ahh...

Then, supported bridge...ahhh, again.

Then, easy supine twist--JUST~WHAT~I~NEEDED.

During our practice of Yoga Nidra, I'm pretty sure I tip-toed into Samadhi but we all know how that works--once you stare it in the eyes, once you know it's there...it's gone.

I left there and headed into my day inspired, creative, open, charged with life, teeming with love and so very, very thankful for this time that I make for myself everyday.

It's not easy and it takes serious work and commitment on my part but what I receive in return restores me and prepares me to serve myself and others for another day.

It's all so, so good.

Namaste'

Wild Thing

2009-10-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

In class tonight we warmed the spine in preparation for 'Wild Thing', an appropriate pose with "Where the Wild Things Are" opening next week...but of course.

It was great! My students were adventurous as they moved into their own explorations of the various stages leading to their wild side.

There was laughter and all sorts of expressions as they challenged themselves beyond what they knew...certainly beyond comfort zones.

Some nailed the pose, others got closer than they probably thought they might and still others played with the prep--all smiles and warrior spirits.

It was freakin' awesome!

We found our way to the wildness by starting here:

Seated Twist and Side Stretching

Cat Flow

Modified Plank (from Table)

Prana flow of Downdog to Updog--moving with breath

Sun Salutations

Then...

We got crazy WiLd!

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-10-02T04:33:00.001-07:00

Where the Wild Things Are is more than a child's book and more than the latest family movie--it's an insightful commentary on the havoc our minds can wreak until we dare to harness the wildness and ride on the back on what we thought could take us down.

I love books written for children, especially this one...their messages are less shouts from a podium of authority and more delicate whispers to the soul, reminding you of what you already know.

We wear the crown and we hold the staff...let the wild rumpus start.

Fight for your right...

2009-09-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

...to be happy.

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it..." Elizabeth Gilbert, "Eat, Pray, Love"

Amen.

I know a little bit about this. Throughout the course of my life, I have received much feedback--some good and some not-so-good--about my outlook on life. I have actually offended a few people with my level of happiness.

As if...

And I feel a need to speak to this for all the resistance I have ever received when I can find a silver lining amid black storm clouds or when I experience joy in the mundane.

SO--the thing is?

This is really me, authentic and pure.

It's SO not a front--I really love life and living and I reap so much joy from the process of it all and even in those moments when I am on my knees with my body bowed in submission, I know the light follows and I abide the darkness with grace.

But here's the other 'thing'--I have fought HARD for my happiness, bared myself to the bone for it, settled for nothing less than it and pulled my body, wracked in grief, to the summit of the happiness I know I deserve.

Granted, when I was younger it was more of a front for me, I'm sure. I'd dare to say it was a survival mechanism.

If I kept on my happy face, no one would know my grandfather was touching and penetrating my young body with a suffocating frequency and more than that, they would never find out it was my fault--that I had planted this seed of sickness inside of him. I say that from my four year old self--the little girl who was convinced by this man that she had started something he could not stop.

If I pretended to be free and wild, no one would ever find out that my mother used her hands and her words to reduce me--that I was unworthy of love and inadequate and longing with a blazing passion to be loved...by anyone.

If I pretended to be confident and sure, no one would ever find out that I was starving myself to emaciation because the body I saw in the mirror was inflated by my own self-loathing imagination, a self-loathing birthed and nurtured by my mother's scathing commentary on my body and overall existence.

If I pretended to be carefree, no one would know that I was longing for my father's attention and not just when I fucked up.

I would not break, I would not shake or tremble--not me. You wouldn't make me cry--no. I would hold up my front like a fortress.

Fortunately, that 'front' began to crumble and behind her was a freshly budding, soft and fragile, courage, still pink from birth. Somehow, after all the messages to the contrary, I loved myself--I think I had to, for most of my young life, I was my only source of nurturing.

Somehow, at my core, I really liked me, really. And I admired how hard I had fought for my autonomy, for my voice to prevail those other voices before and around me, whirling like a soul-sucking cyclone.

Somehow, I knew I was unique in my ability to continue holding my head up with so many people and forces in my life hellbent to take me down. I was already keenly aware of my determination and trusted myself above ALL others.

Somehow...I made it.

Over time, the end result is me. Right where I am. Precisely who I am--a warrior willing and determined and able to fight for her right to be happy because I know nothing else, because I crave the breath within me and I anticipate the next, because I have seen the dark and much prefer the light, because I have hit the bottom and clawed my way to the top.

I marinated in unhappiness most of my young life but I always held on.

I held on to love.

I held on for love.

...all for the hope of love.

"We must get our hearts broken sometimes...it means we have tried for something." Eat, Pray, Love

Life is ephemeral and because every moment counts so much, count me in--I want to try for something.

We should never, ever, ever, force explanation or shame from another for the light they have inside. We don't need to. If you stand close enough, you will find enough light to borrow until you kindle your own again because the light returns.

I know this much is true...

...the light returns.

Prana Flow

2009-09-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

I just returned to the office after a little walk outside to stretch my legs and breathe deep into my body, appreciating my health and hoping to ward off any ambitious, looming germs in my body that are getting any sneaky ideas (I'm experiencing a *slight* discomfort in my throat).

I love this time of year--it holds, for me, the perfect balance. Not too hot, not too cold--just right. I can feel the familiar peace settle over me that settles over me every year and I think it's a lovely bundle of how I feel about the holidays, the family time and the weather of this season.

Hope--hope simmers inside me and contentment abounds.

As the air begins to chill, it is ever more important to prepare the body before a physical practice, building heat and establishing a strong sutra of breath along which the body moves, the mind meditates and expression unfolds.

Last night I led my students through a prana flow as our warm up and share it here:

Setu-Bhandasana (Bridge) Flow

With the inhale, tuck the tail bone under, press into the feet and lift the hips--because we are cultivating prana, the rise should last the duration of the inhale and pause at the peak.
With the exhale begin to lower the hips, again, riding the breath down.

I offered the option of adding the arms (with inhale they reach up and over the body to frame the head and with exhale lift and lower to beside the body) or keeping them grounded.

Supine Leg Lift Flow

From your back w/arms grounded beside you, lift the legs, feet to the ceiling--inhale here.
Exhale and begin to lower the straightened legs until they hover over the mat (without touching)
Inhale and slowly lift them again, keeping a slight angle instead of coming all the way up to vertical really engages the core.

This flow not only marries movement to breath but builds warmth in the core that will radiate throughout the body.

Cat Flow

From table, inhale and lift the crown of the head and the tail toward the ceiling, pull the shoulders back and sink the heart as the back scoops out.
Exhale, round the spine, tuck the tail and let the head gently drop.

Back and forth with breath will warm the spine, preparing it for more movement.

CAUTION

2009-09-28T09:12:00.001-07:00

I had dinner with a new friend last night and so much of what we talked about was very thought-provoking for me but one point in particular stood out. She was talking about psychology and how she will often tell her clients that the counseling they are signing up to receive has the potential to change their life.

No brainer, yes? Probably what they are coming for in the first place, right?

She continues.

The process of change could open a new path for them, they could realize that the person they are with is no longer who they choose, the job they have is not fulfilling, they could begin to think about things a different way, assert themselves in different ways, connect to new interests and people, find that happiness comes easier and seems to be a natural resting place.

The process of change could result in an about face as you tear down and rebuild yourself.

As she was talking, I realized I needed the same sort of caution for my students because this practice is NOT for the faint-of-heart.

Your boundaries will be tested in this practice, your comfort zone annihilated, your shadow side will stand face-to-face with the light in you as they both vie for recognition and truth seeking to be called forth. The layers of your ego will be pulled back, one by one and revealed to you an essence that could very well take your breath away.

We are blessed that the practice is a process and the process is practice because we couldn't bear the truth if it were unveiled in its totality--we need it bit by bit in stages.

I know this much is true--if this practice so much as touches your soul, you will be forever changed.

Lose yourself in love...

2009-09-28T05:18:00.001-07:00

I read this on Wa Yo Yogi's blog this morning--Leanne was recounting something Ram Dass shared, a teaching he had received regarding his meditation practice...lose yourself in love.

Ram Dass shared that if you are singing a hymn in church, without love and devotion the hymn rattles off like a grocery list...lose yourself in love.

I was moved by this statement, so simple yet so profound.

When I resolve in my mind to meditate, I won't just close my eyes--I will open my heart. I won't just position my hands into any ole' mudra that I've seen in a magazine or a book but that has no meaning to me--I will place my right palm on my heart because it feels natural, softening the space there, holding the rhythm, bestowing grace. I won't try to 'look' a particular way but will position my body to receive whether that is lying on my back, kneeling in surrender with my forehead to the mat or sitting with support.

Just like my asana practice, my meditation must be an expression of who I am, where I am, my limits and my abilities.

When I resolve in my mind to meditate, I won't just sit and close my eyes...

...I will lose myself in love.

Born again...

2009-09-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

I am like a flower blooming open because it knows no other way to express the life force swelling inside.

I am born again.

Yoga on the Slackline

2009-09-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

Along with my first ever tattoo to commemorate my 35th birthday, I have found what will be my new hobby--merging my love of yoga with my recent desire to explore my self-imposed limits.

Check out yoga on the slackline:

Looks like I can get my supplies here at Slack Line Express.

For more on this awesome expression of yoga and strength, you can visit YogaSlackers online.

Here's to slacking off!

Namaste'

Killer Stress

2009-09-23T05:05:00.000-07:00

Night before last I was just flipping through channels, almost resolved to turn the tube off and find another plan when I stumbled across a National Geographic special on PBS, "Killer Stress".

This was a great one hour presentation on the effects that stress has on our lives and our health, presenting research on the link between stress and disease and even exploring the sociocultural causes or breeding grounds of stress (our position in various hierarchies in relation to power v. lack of power).

The following is a snippet from the PBS website summary of the documentary:

"The stress response: in the beginning it saved our lives, making us run from predators and enabling us to take down prey. Today, human beings are turning on the same life-saving physical reaction to cope with 30-year mortgages, $4 a gallon gasoline, final exams, difficult bosses and even traffic jams — we can't seem to turn it off. So, we're constantly marinating in corrosive hormones triggered by the stress response".

More on the documentary can be found here.

In thinking about stress, my own and in general, I was filled with relief that I have this secret weapon--not really secret, but underused for so many people. My yoga practice has equipped me with what I need to move through stress with grace.

I still succumb to flare-ups now and then but I have the tools within me to soothe my own soul and however slowly the peace comes, it does come--a truth I have come to believe in like I know the sun will rise tomorrow, just as today.

I seem to be in a place today where I am holding onto that truth like the string of a prized helium balloon so it doesn't slip from my grip into the beyond--just sitting on the edge of a quake, trying not to be consumed...so I breathe, balance and breathe.

Part of preventing stress from becoming an all-encompassing force in our lives too comes from our level of happiness or overall contentment with where we are at any given moment. Over time, I have become better at sitting with myself WHEREVER I'm at in my range of emotions and wherever I am in my life, physically or situationally.

This contentment is a practice, cultivated over time and for me, it was a matter of paying attention, showing up to life, especially to the moment and releasing the grip that wants to steer, control or 'attach' to a particular outcome.

Practice.

This comes from an article in a Yoga Journal newsletter, featuring the wisdom of T.K.V. Desikachar:

“A lot of people are doing postures, but are they happy? They can do a beautiful posture, but their life is a big headache.” Mastery of yoga is really measured, Desikachar says, by “how it influences our day-to-day living, how it enhances our relationships, how it promotes clarity and peace of mind.”

This is my path of teaching right now--conveying the practice in a way that makes it relevant and significant off the mat, outside of the studio, for my students. I know, I know--they probably have to come to this on their own but I know what is in my heart, so where's the middle ground?

It's all good in the hood...namaste'

Mama you have to come see this!

2009-09-21T17:25:00.001-07:00

This is what I heard last night a few minutes after I walked in from teaching my evening yoga class , just as I was turning on the oven to prepare dinner.

The kids had just walked out the door to take Lucy outside and my son was beckoning me.

At first I wanted to say, "buddy I'll see it later, I really have to get dinner started". Mind you, it had been a long day--early morning practice at 4:45 AM, worked until 3:30, walked on the river eating ice cream with my little man and taught an evening class.

But against my own inner resistance, I walked to the front door and saw him through the glass. He was beaming with the sweetest, most innocent smile--the epitome of wonder and delight--and he was pointing up toward our porch light looking back and forth between me and his find, eyes alight.

I walked over to the glass door and looked up to see the lime green tree frog that had captured my little boy's attention, stopping him in his tracks until he could share it with someone...me.

As I stood there appreciating the delicate little frog, I was so grateful for all the times we have stopped along the way to revel in the little things--for all the critters, colors in the sky, beautiful fallen leaves or flowers--because now, he takes in the world with an open heart, catching the details that might have gone unnoticed.

The fact that he wanted to share this with me is an honor and one of the many gifts of my day dare I slow down to receive.

Identity

2009-09-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

Imagine cramming yourself into such a puny box of identity when you could experience your infinitude instead--Eat, Pray, Love author Elizabeth Gilbert

I got chills when I read this last night because it aptly expresses why I purposely AVOID identifying with titles or limiting myself to a description of who I am by way of titles.

I am so much more than the lousy array of boxes I could put myself in--woman, mother, advocate, writer, blah-phooey-blah. I resist them, oh god, I resist them!

I am far too dynamic to be suffocated in a compartment to make classification and sorting easier, to accentuate the magnification of our alleged differences or to make sense of what is yet understood.

I dare you to reach out and beyond to
me
reveling in the shades of subtlety
shattering your concept of
identity.

Namaste'

The Day that Was...

2009-09-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't have had that glass of wine...I blame the enactment of that decision for still being awake at this hour, knowing I have the alarm set for 4:00 AM to begin my practice and then my day.

Today has been a...day.

One of those that have the goods and the bads with no real definitive state when it's over because you are left with an undefinable feel about the general status of the day.

Ouch--I really live in the Facebook era don't I?

As if any day worth its minutes could be fiddled down to a status, a one-liner report, an attention-grabbing headliner.

If this day were a status it would read:

The day that was...

And the under story, the follow-through, the if-you-care-to-know-more would follow as:

...a new beginning for a friendship interrupted by the frailty and fallibility of the human condition.

...a heartache for a mother longing to bridge the gap between herself and her daughter, feeling her way blindly and misstepping more than right stepping deeper into a divide that swallows her courage to just drop to her knees, hands to her heart.

...a joyous reunion between mother and son, his smile one of sincerity and love, that begs for my presence and lightens my heart.

...a lesson in humility.

...a lesson in letting go in order to let in.

...a lesson in trusting myself.

...nothing out of the ordinary.

...probably not valued in the way it deserved.

...divine.

There is SO much follow-up for the above but I think they speak nicely on their own behalf, in their own puzzling brevity--why bother?

The one I will speak to is the one that plays loudest in my mind--my daughter.

I am so fearful of losing her, emotionally, and this fear is intense--this fear sits on my chest and labors my breath, plaguing my mind and knotting my thoughts.

More than the physical practice of asana or the dumbfounding practice of meditation, this child--excuse me, this young woman, is going to burn away my ego, leaving me with nothing as a front. Nothing.

I will be left to stand before her and the world as only a pulsing, bleeding heart, raw and exposed, open to all the pain in the world, vulnerable as only a mother can be with her child.

This is where I usually blame myself for what I did and didn't do along the way. The good thing is, I don't get too far into blame because I know at this point in my life how counterproductive it is...a useless enterprise really as my thoughts and energy should be going to her and our relationship and how I make myself available to her, how I present myself to her and how much room I allow for her to be who she is--am I creating space for her becoming?

She can have my ego...if I can just get inside her heart.

Some piece of work...

2009-09-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

I feel so ridiculous--it's Friday night and after a long day of fun with the children, a little bit of work, teaching yoga, a little more work and a haircut--I'm in for the night.

In for the night trying desperately to settle my mind and not sink into loneliness.

Not being a +1 anymore, I don't have a back-up and when there's no one...there's really no one.

In the book I'm reading right now, Eat, Pray, Love, Gilbert is talking about meditation and understanding what we can sit through without trying to change our experience, physically or emotionally.

So here I sit with my Sex & the City re-runs and red wine trying NOT to feel what is trying to come up...fear, embarrassment, uncertainty, loneliness, confusion--they're all here, inside, taking their turns vying for attention in order to have their way with me.

Have I mentioned just how alone I am--even the kids are away with my brother. I am that alone.

I could have kicked myself tonight when I began to get concerned that I would never find someone else.

Really?

My partner and I just had the conversation and I'm worried that I'll never find love again?

Sure--it could be that I've lived without romantic love for so long in this relationship that I'm hungry for it now--sure.

Sure. I could say that but I'd be lying.

I'm addicted to being in relationships--there. I said it.

This is the hump I couldn't get over last time before I had convinced myself that perhaps I did want our relationship, yet, in hindsight, I know I made that decision based on other emotions/feelings that I was uncomfortable 'sitting' with.

I'm not sure I know how to breathe through something like this, I'm not sure I know how to surface or prevail and I'm quite sure I have never given myself this opportunity...

...so, here's to being a scientist of my own experience.

My hypothesis is I'm some freakin' piece of work.

Meeting Hostility w/Love

2009-09-17T16:57:00.000-07:00

I'm going to need some help on this because I have yet to distance myself enough or diffuse my feelings enough to be clear.

I was working for a client today, as I do everyday. As most know, I work with sexual assault victims and, depending on where they are in their healing or the levels in their personal reservoir of strength, they may need more or less of me at any given time.

Today, I needed to talk to a detective to gather the details surrounding an investigation and after a tug-of-war conversation where the detective took every opportunity to show resistance (read: puff his chest), I'm afraid I got nothing.

At some point in the conversation, he began to raise his voice while speaking to me in a tone of condescension and I interrupted him--this was enough. I intended to redirect.

Then...

...he SLAMMED the phone down, apparently deciding on his own that this conversation was OVER.

How do you deal with someone like this?

We are supposed to be on the same team.

When you encounter people like this, what do you pull from to interact without chaos or anger?

Life is good...

2009-09-17T05:42:00.001-07:00

Changes are brewin'

I'm just trying to encapsulate them into writing--it is my writing that anchors me and enables me to make sense of and process my path.

For now, a quote:

There are many things to be grateful "for" but, as I ripen with the seasons of life, the many reasons blend into a sacred mystery. And, most deeply, I realize that living gratefully is its own blessing--Michael Mahoney

May you live from a place of gratitude.

Love to you on this day...

Power v. Strength

2009-09-17T05:05:00.000-07:00

Lately, my practice has been one of tapping into my power--exploring those opportunities to test the waters of my hang-ups or fears, to go just a little further than I thought I might or imagined I could.

When I say practice, I mean on AND off the mat. On the mat this exploration of power has taken the form of exploring poses that I typically filed away as 'never going to happen'. Off the mat, I am beginning to take chances and break my own mold--saying yes, when I typically might have said no out of fear or resistance to change.

Let's start with asana--I was mortified of handstand, convinced that my arms would cave and I would nail the crown of my head into the floor snapping my own neck. (Can you say drama-QUEEN?) I had played with handstand from time to time but never with any seriousness, always telling myself that I was merely appeasing the instructor who had suggested we students 'play' with the prep poses.

'K--I'll play and I'll pretend that I might just make it, I might even, on a fluke, kick my legs all the way to the wall and remain for a few breaths out of sheer shock but this pose will never be a part of my practice. I simply cannot commit (make-me).

FEAR.

This is where my strength met my power.

From all of the various seeds of handstand and her prep poses sowed along the way , something sprouted--a genuine, personal desire to try, a curiosity to dare.

So I did and...

Like butta' I was able to kick my legs up, at least to the wall and, while there, in a kind of oh-shit-cool-I'm-still-standing (on my hands) I realized, with surprise that my arms gave no indication whatsoever of tiring or collapsing.

Hmm...

SWEET!

Now, sure. I should have practiced being a bit less attached to the outcome of that first successful handstand, recognizing each prep practice as the progression toward just another outcome but...

SWEET!

Now I'm a handstand junkie or in more eloquent, balanced yogi language--I practice daily...om.

The point?

My power led me there, my strength held me there--it was through mental determination that I even dared plant my hands inches from the wall, a little bit more of that keeping me from nose-diving out of imagined fear and strength that not only braced and secured my body but fortified my resolve.

I should have known that my arms (and more than that, my body) would not let me down. I gave into trust, dropping all resistance.

Which brings me to my off-the-mat practice.

I am trying to break out of the mold I have lived in for most of my (conscious) life.

Obviously, somewhere along the way, I became a slave to my fears--cry me a river, right? Join the club--I hear ya.

So lately, I have intentionally moved toward that which scared me instead of moving away. For example, I stepped out of an eight-year relationship and did not allow myself to be swayed by the unknowns--financials, ever being loved again, dying alone, etc. You know, the tiny details.

Another fear of mine has been to teach a community yoga class offered every Sunday by a yoga clothing boutique here in my city. It's a bit overwhelming as it draws a huge and diverse crowd of yogis and a touch uncomfortable as it's not quite my scene (typically). But I want to open my mind to the possibility that someone there might learn something from me and, even more, that I might learn something from them.

I don't want to limit myself or not pursue something because of preconceptions that I harbor.

So instead of over thinking it the way I usually do, I emailed them requesting to have myself added as an instructor for the last Sunday in October--done.

I am nervously thrilled!

Lastly, I am discovering and honoring my voice in my teaching by trying to break out of past habits and not over think the words that want to find their way out of me--just allowing them to flow, speaking from my heart because I know no other way.

Power.

Strength.

One inspires the step, the other maintains the momentum--both show you places you never thought you could go and leave you begging, what next?

+1

2009-09-16T06:50:00.000-07:00

I have been a +1 for nearly nine years and except for a 3 month separation this time last year, we have been under the same roof, parenting and living a together life. However, while this life may have been under the same roof, our paths were drifting away from each other with the space between representing our irreconcilable differences.

This divide of our lives was not from a lack of love mind you. No, this was more a lack of interest in exploring what remains to be seen with the other.

Out of respect for my ex, I will not unpack the details that pertain to our separation...they matter less than the overall point.

I have stepped out of a comfort zone.

I have stepped up to another way of life without having to know first how that life will unfold.

I am invoking trust from the depth of my being that I will be left standing in the wake of so much change.

Pink's 2009 VMA Performance

2009-09-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

[I have a new link so this posting is updated]

A co-worker referred me to Pink's performance because I SO don't follow this kind of stuff BUT, I do LOVE Pink AND I take pleasure in all things beautiful and inspiring, thus the relevance to yoga.

Check out this Pink Link.

Quote of the Day

2009-09-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

Every morning is like a new reincarnation into this world. Let us take it then for what it is and live each moment anew--Paul Brunton