Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Hellbent to Shine

wanting, brimming with the something
seething with passion
directed toward nothing

or at least that's how it seems

i turn in and out of myself
trying to find the method to save myself
trying the find the way i want to take myself
hoping to find the sanction just to be myself

far beyond the limits of my finite knowing

i stop before i go
i resolve before i know
yet all along
deep inside's the song
i've been holding back and holding in
since i don't even remember when

losing time
losing faith
as the armor hardens, losing more of my way
to move beyond my bounds
to live into the space
defined once upon a time
a seed planted in the mind
of a girl hellbent to shine

When I was a little girl, I would dance around my room, often in my prettiest training bra and flowered panties set or leotard. The windowed wall was my pretend audience and they loved me.

As a matter of fact, most of my pretend play was some sort of performance art presented to adoring crowds who, quite frankly, couldn't get enough of me in my world.

Once a month, my 4th grade class would have show-and-tell. I would gear up in my flashiest flash dance-like apparel and improvise a dance. There was no stage-fright or stifling nerves, no anxiety, just the rush of performing LiVe--I just did it. During my run as a show-and-tell performer, I danced to the music of El DeBarge, Madonna and Sheila E.

Sheila E., in particular, was inspiring for me then. 'Glamorous Life' was my theme song:

Everybody knows from the coy little wink
The girl's got a lot on her mind
She's got big thoughts, big dreams...

This little girl, this little me, did have big thoughts and big dreams. She was going places the second the brakes were off. She was fearless and spirited.

So where is that now? It seems I owe it to myself to explore this deeper if I have any intention of living into the spaces of my life.

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