So amid my heartbreak, there are small windows of feeling human - more than numb.
Tonight was one of those nights.
I went for a long, intense bike ride with friends - got to move, got to sweat, got to breathe - for the ride I felt alive...it was nice.
As I arrived home and unloaded my bike from my trunk, my neighbor was parking and the car emptied of about five people. Some locals but three of them were from Germany - they greeted me with bright smiles and 'hello neighbor' in their thick accents.
One of the guys was pretty interested in my tattoo and we talked for a bit. My neighbor explained that they were 'couch surfers' - basically, he and his girlfriend signed up to host people that travel from their homes - all over the world - and the travellers sleep on the couches of their hosts.
Very interesting - very bohemian...I love it. A nice smile in the middle of my evening...a necessary distraction.
I usually write about what's going on in my life and before now, it was my journey to greater self-awareness through yoga.
Now, it's my gut wrenching journey through pain - where every step, every breath, every action and inaction threatens to be that which breaks me all the way.
Every thing is charged with the memory of her...songs - so I've changed the style of music I listen to now, foods - so I don't eat (but mainly because I can't), places - so I carefully navigate space and oftentimes, my breath gets caught in my chest at the suggestion of her in the space, even once upon a time.
Even my body is charged with memories of her...I look at my skin and I can remember her hand caressing me, I can almost discern the path it took...can still feel her breath on my neck.
I am a living, breathing monument of pain and what might have been.
If I concede, I might actually have what it is I so desperately desire - but if I do, I fear the impending loss.
So...I live in the wake of one of the most difficult decisions of my life - you wanted your voice Tina...
...I guess you got it.
I give to the point of breaking me - a vice I have perfected over a lifetime of pleasing. I forgive those that I love and care about SO EASILY and I'm not sure where that comes from but I fear it comes from a place of minimizing my own feelings and emotional well-being.
At least it has lately.
Such a shame. Such a god damn shame. But a shame I'm willing to bear in the name of self-preservation.
So...in an effort to understand myself better and to understand who I am to others, I am on this journey of exploration.
My method of transportation on this journey - writing.
I find my way through my writing.
I heal through my writing.
I understand, I resolve, I learn, I grow, I forgive...through my writing - my vehicle to self-awareness.
For as long as I can recall, I have written, poured myself into words.
Word after word, page after page - each seeking something from the experience.
So armed with my pen or my keyboard, I am a seeker again - broken with heartache, exhausted from misunderstanding and bewildered by exactly where I find me now...so far from where I was just weeks ago.
The gods invented love...and then they invented laughter so they could stand it.
Feast of Love is one of my favorite movies - even in this place where I find myself, in the 'in-betweens', a veritable limbo of loves me/loves me not - I still love the beauty and the intensity of the human pursuit of love.
I am in love with love and I will not let that go, I will not foresake my faith...
The life...the sweet stuff...the moments that distract the mind until they fill the mind, nourish it even.
I sit here among them...two of my friends cooking in the kitchen, in and out of games with another...finding my way, finding my peace...soothing myself and being soothed by their voices, their presence, the smells coming from the kitchen.
They ask nothing of me - they understand my silence and sadness and they make room.
Later they hear me as I come close to undone...holding my words and the spaces between them.
Cookies baking now in the kitchen that still smells of garlic...pillows and blankets on the sofa ready for snuggles, for warmth...a resting place for troubles.
I sink into the softness, I am covered by a blanket and I let go for now...blessed by the presence of my friends.
Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can - John Wesley
For the last week, I have spent a lot of time focusing on me - self-preservation to be sure, but egocentric nonetheless. I'm not comfortable with that and am slowly changing my perspective - my way of thinking.
I am here for a higher purpose and I want to assure that I use my time, my person, my heart, my soul, to lighten the loads of others, to lighten their spirit, brighten their day, soften their hearts...however that happens, I want to be conscious of my doing.
I practice yoga for god's sake - I'm accustomed to recognizing the power of my mind, recognizing and channeling - channeling for the purpose of standing down my fears on the mat...but also for the purpose of standing down my fears off the mat.