People pass through our lives either becoming permanent fixtures or transients, offering varying degrees of impact in our lives.
I am coming to terms with this.
I had someone 'pass' through my life and since their passing, I have had a fair amount of clinging to the experience of our time together.
I believe I mistook the experience and the impact for something more, well, for something else.
When people come into our life, they bring to us a new understanding, a new way of looking at things, so a new perspective, a new level of awareness or a key to unlock the door of some possibility.
This person, in conjunction with an inevitable, impending change-a-brewin' inside of me, unleashed a hunger for a life that I wanted and just needed a nudge toward.
I have been 'stuck' on memories and recollections of this person, at times a constant feed and at other times, a mental deposit here and there. The 'stuckness' stems from the lack of resolution in our relationship and feelings that I have harbored--unfairness abounded on both sides and I am NOT a fan of leaving things undone.
More than harbored feelings, because of the resiliency of the 'feed', I am beginning to look deeper for what I learned, for the impact.
My conclusion thus far is this--for me, I want change and I mean BIG change. I started working full-time November of last year for the first time in my life. Until then, I had always been financially dependent on someone else at any given point in my life. Not anymore. I don't make enough to live luxuriously but I make enough to get by on my own and I don't ever want to go back. I am empowered financially.
I have homeschooled my children from birth and this has been an amazing, life-changing experience but with working full-time now and needing (and not being afraid to ask for) more time for my own growth and evolution, I am preparing to transition them from our private education to public education.
Furthermore, I have been giving serious consideration to returning to graduate school (again) and actually completing the program I start. Psychology seems to be an ideal compliment to the yogic path and there is a graduate program near me. This plan is still under construction.
There are so many more changes that I contemplate daily but suffice it to say I am on the move...and the impetus was a fleeting connection to someone else and the impact of our interplay.