I stand...braced

For anything - for everything...for the crawl.

I cry myself to sleep.

I wake to tears that have been awake for hours.

I unrolled my mat this morning and trembled as I came to my hands and knees to begin - my body tired, my mind tattered, my heart crumbling and my lungs resistant to breath any deeper than just enough to keep me alive, for I choke on it - I breathe and my visceral reaction is to vomit.

When I lie on my back - all is well again...I want to stay here, barely breathing, void of movement, tears finding their own path down the sides of my face.

I curl into a corner in my shower begging this day not to start...not like this, not again.

My insides scream and writhe.

Faith is gone, feelings forsaken and hearts callous the greater the divide...the longer the duration.

I want to run...run away - start fresh somewhere else. Be surrounded by a landscape void of familiar traces.

I want to have faith in something...something bigger - I would forsake all of my pietistic ambivalence for a god that could save me now.