Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I need a new story...

The good news is that I recognize just how deeply grooved my samskaras are, just how anchored I am to my patterns or the stories I tell myself--stories about myself, about others or about the world I live in and move through.

The bad news is that I still commit to the grooves and do my part to deepen them every time I believe the hype in my head, every time I act in accordance with the illusion that I am somehow less or not enough, every time I turn the page of the same ole' story.

I think it's time for a new story even if I have to craft it one page at a time, even if I have to craft it one word at a time.

Fortunately, I rebound from the reverberations of my samskaras better than ever. For instance, yesterday morning I taught for my teacher who is out of town right now. When she asked me to sub for her, I was honored--I think that highly of her. The nerves set in and then the doubt and suddenly I'm sitting before the class, calling the sequence TOTALLY psyching myself out!

Voice cracking, body warming, heart PoUnDiNg in my chest--I left there feeling so inadequate, belittling myself throughout the day as I recalled my 'story' of the class. I gave almost my entire day over to these feelings I manifested from my storehouse of doubt.

Fortunately, I took a good friend's yoga class later in the evening following his Buddhist discussion group and I was able to put my day in perspective--a fresh perspective. What might have, before, taken me days or weeks, I managed to accomplish in a matter of hours.

I realized that, first and foremost, I AM my biggest critic and probably harder on myself than the students were, if they gave me a second thought at all. Second, I went into that class trying to emulate my teacher when I should have just been myself--my style, my pace, my voice. Lastly, what if I did mess up--not that I believe this now but what if I just wrecked their yoga experience and confused their sense of direction as they attempted to follow my word salads? If we can all be open about the experience, there is surely something to take from it--their lesson is their lesson but mine?


And that, my friends, is what I plan to practice tomorrow when I sub for her again...

...if anyone shows up.

(There's that doubt again.)


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