Friday, September 18, 2009

Some piece of work...

I feel so ridiculous--it's Friday night and after a long day of fun with the children, a little bit of work, teaching yoga, a little more work and a haircut--I'm in for the night.

In for the night trying desperately to settle my mind and not sink into loneliness.

Not being a +1 anymore, I don't have a back-up and when there's no one...there's really no one.

In the book I'm reading right now, Eat, Pray, Love, Gilbert is talking about meditation and understanding what we can sit through without trying to change our experience, physically or emotionally.

So here I sit with my Sex & the City re-runs and red wine trying NOT to feel what is trying to come up...fear, embarrassment, uncertainty, loneliness, confusion--they're all here, inside, taking their turns vying for attention in order to have their way with me.

Have I mentioned just how alone I am--even the kids are away with my brother.  I am that alone.

I could have kicked myself tonight when I began to get concerned that I would never find someone else.

Really?

My partner and I just had the conversation and I'm worried that I'll never find love again?

Sure--it could be that I've lived without romantic love for so long in this relationship that I'm hungry for it now--sure.

Sure.  I could say that but I'd be lying.

I'm addicted to being in relationships--there.  I said it.

This is the hump I couldn't get over last time before I had convinced myself that perhaps I did want our relationship, yet, in hindsight, I know I made that decision based on other emotions/feelings that I was uncomfortable 'sitting' with.

I'm not sure I know how to breathe through something like this, I'm not sure I know how to surface or prevail and I'm quite sure I have never given myself this opportunity...

...so, here's to being a scientist of my own experience.

My hypothesis is I'm some freakin' piece of work.

2 comments:

gnomad said...

you are beautiful and human...and maybe it's time for you and you only. Jonas and I are both here for you...don't forget that. Much love and light your way.

TINA VAUGHN said...

Aw--I love you. Thanks for that...much needed to hear.