Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Space Between

I feel all talked out right now. Like I have said everything of significance in my wee little mind and there is nothing left but chatter...white noise.

I've become a critical observer to my teaching...caught in a negative feedback loop AS I'M TEACHING, monitoring every word, second guessing my instruction, my words or lack of words. Augh.

I need this weekend to pull back, to withdraw a bit into me and marinate in my own head...I need some space in between all these words, expectations and obligations.

I started this post last night and finally closed my laptop for sleep, thinking this feeling would pass--this worn out, have nothing to say, little to give, sucked and stuck inside myself sort of feeling.

But it didn't.

I woke up just as blase'.

I'm strongly considering cancelling breakfast with a friend--a standing date that we, for the most part, have weekly--but I'm trying to trudge forward, through the muck.

I almost feel as if I have no identity--like I'm a blur.

I tried to meditate this morning and it was the smoothest meditation I can remember because my mind was free of ripples and wrinkles--am I really too exhausted to think?

Augh.

The path isn't always pretty--I accept that and on many levels, embrace it. I've never been afraid of my shadow, if anything I dare its darkness and step right inside. For most of my young life, the darkness cloaked me and I found solace in its familiarity.

For me, my shadow offers space to deal with the dirty stuff that could take me down, break my heart or dim my spirit if I were to avoid it--it's a resting place. I can stand taller when I rise from my knees and I see my world with a freshness that invigorates me.

So I bask in this space between happy and sad...a limbo woven of unkindled inspiration and listlessness...for now.

And just to show that I'm not an entirely lost cause--my blessings:
  • My daughter wrote me the sweetest email yesterday--expressing her love for and admiration of me. I needed that--we are at that funny teenage place, a place too complex to trivialize by attributing it to just her age. It is a necessary and beautiful metamorphosis.
  • My son seeks my time and attention by always suggesting things we can do together, be it games, a walk, a book, cooking...you name it, he wants to do it with me.
  • My coffee is delicious and warming.

In order to experience the light of this life, I think it's imperative to really experience the dark...it's just the other side of something we deem wonderful and is replete with its own, dare I say, gifts.

Be light, be peace, be change...love.

4 comments:

ajaarmey.com said...

Yield to your needs my friend; you deserve to refill your cup. And you are beautiful for finding gratitude among the darkness.

Eco Yogini said...

what a poignant post- I feel somewhat similar, the need to recharge, to refresh.

but then my reaction is usually to try to do things just for me- play the guitar, read a book, hang out with friends...

refresh! :) how wonderful your daughter wrote you a nice email- teenagers are so chaotic sometimes (I most certainly was!).
Blessings!

Brenda P. said...

Ah, the kids. Some once referred to them as gurus, and I think that's right. How sweet that the teenager holds you in such high esteem, that your son wants to spent time with you. Even if you feel blah and spent, it sounds like you're not reflecting any of it on them.

How strong. I often worry how my moodiness will affect the boys. I hope they still want to hang with me in 10 years...

Take care!

TINA VAUGHN said...

Thanks Aja--that's it...I simply need a refill and one that can only come from honoring my own needs.

Ecoyogini--It's nice to know others have these slumps. My career is one of giving and sometimes, if I'm not careful with myself, I run out.

This weekend will certainly be reserved for a little 'me'time--I'm taking a few hours Sunday morning to slackline in a park by the river.

Brenda--Children are little gurus, I believe it with all of my heart.

And what's more--your moodiness will show your precious little boys that you are human and fallible and they will feel secure having their own "inadequacies" because you were strong enough to own yours.

And I hope they want to hang with you in 10 years too--it's freakin' awesome to be chosen by a child.