I've become a critical observer to my teaching...caught in a negative feedback loop AS I'M TEACHING, monitoring every word, second guessing my instruction, my words or lack of words. Augh.
I need this weekend to pull back, to withdraw a bit into me and marinate in my own head...I need some space in between all these words, expectations and obligations.
I started this post last night and finally closed my laptop for sleep, thinking this feeling would pass--this worn out, have nothing to say, little to give, sucked and stuck inside myself sort of feeling.
But it didn't.
I woke up just as blase'.
I'm strongly considering cancelling breakfast with a friend--a standing date that we, for the most part, have weekly--but I'm trying to trudge forward, through the muck.
I almost feel as if I have no identity--like I'm a blur.
I tried to meditate this morning and it was the smoothest meditation I can remember because my mind was free of ripples and wrinkles--am I really too exhausted to think?
The path isn't always pretty--I accept that and on many levels, embrace it. I've never been afraid of my shadow, if anything I dare its darkness and step right inside. For most of my young life, the darkness cloaked me and I found solace in its familiarity.
For me, my shadow offers space to deal with the dirty stuff that could take me down, break my heart or dim my spirit if I were to avoid it--it's a resting place. I can stand taller when I rise from my knees and I see my world with a freshness that invigorates me.
So I bask in this space between happy and sad...a limbo woven of unkindled inspiration and listlessness...for now.
And just to show that I'm not an entirely lost cause--my blessings:
- My daughter wrote me the sweetest email yesterday--expressing her love for and admiration of me. I needed that--we are at that funny teenage place, a place too complex to trivialize by attributing it to just her age. It is a necessary and beautiful metamorphosis.
- My son seeks my time and attention by always suggesting things we can do together, be it games, a walk, a book, cooking...you name it, he wants to do it with me.
- My coffee is delicious and warming.
In order to experience the light of this life, I think it's imperative to really experience the dark...it's just the other side of something we deem wonderful and is replete with its own, dare I say, gifts.
Be light, be peace, be change...love.