My Voice...

...is the expression of what I think, feel, desire, hope, resist, fear, love, need, dream...

I have said outloud that what I am most afraid of is using my voice...now I must walk into that which scares me - embracing the fear in me, nurturing my heart while challenging my mind.

A new journey unfolds...


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The space that is...

The space that is neither full nor empty, the space that is neither happy nor sad, the space that is neither brilliant nor dull - that is the space I occupy now.

Seeking balance in the space that is...

Ashes and Wine

Ashes and Wine is a Fine Frenzy song but in the wake of my relationship turbulence, I listened to the song this morning as if I was hearing it for the first time.

The words pierced me, penetrating my raw, pulsing heart that felt more exposed with every note...is there a chance, a reason to fight - or are we ashes and wine?

Ashes and wine sound incompatible - I wasn't quite sure of the reference or significance so I began to look it up.

I found some references to Catholic communion but these didn't resonate with me, so I solicited the help of my co-worker - some days are busier than others and so we were both searching the internet for the deeper meaning of Ashes and Wine.

She found something that resonated with me:

"Ashes and Wine are the things that are left over when the night is done. When the cigarette has been smoked and when the wine has been consumed. You know the little bit that remains still in the glass. So she's saying: is the relationship finished like those ashes and wine?"--(a post from songmeanings.net)

Ashes and Wine feel final and absolute, so I find myself asking of my current relationship - did we just burn out trying to be what we thought the other needed? Is there a place to turn after this and will I ever be able to turn to her again?

Lyrics:

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tears
Don't they see?
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning surface on a wheel
I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee-laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may chance your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?

This morning, I woke before the dawn to practice - to turn to my practice in a time of sorrow is growth and I planned to use my breath as an anchor, a tether to the present.

Before I practiced, I drove to her house - I felt pulled to. There is softness in the fading of darkness to the light of pre-dawn and currently, we have a shortage of softness between us.

I will need to know, regardless of what happens, that I openly expressed myself - that I resisted the temptation and inclination to stand behind my ego, to be UNaware.

Pain is not new to me - pain is fertile ground from which to grow.

Nevertheless, we talked and I drove home after a little over an hour and I practiced. I started with sun salutations and I opened myself to receive whatever is coming my way. I stood in the moment with evenness in my breath and purpose in my movement - intention.

I did so because I needed to know that I could.

A stake in the claiming of my 'self'...

Twisted

A peculiar attitude or bias; eccentric turn or bent of mind; eccentricity.

I have intentionally changed the look and theme of this site - yoga is still very much a part of my path and will color the posts here but I write from where I'm at and where I'm at right now is a place of uncertainty and confusion.

I am unsettled and raw and exposed and I attribute these feelings to coming to know myself in a relationship - with the scrutinizing eyes of the other standing next to me - wondering if I can ever measure up.

Everything about my practice, all that brought me peace before her has failed to sustain me and I need a new way of being, a new practice - on and off the mat.

How will I put myself back together if we can't pull through?

How will I breathe again?

How will my feet ever walk the same path knowing hers were there at some other space in time?

I am so fallible.

I am ashamed and bruised from the inside and desperate to feel good about myself again...to feel as if I am actually capable of holding someone up...

...too bad it wasn't her.

Turning in...

I fear I may guard myself to my own detriment.

Long ago and long before, my safe place was inside my head - sequestered away in a quiet, comforting mind space. This was my escape.

Unfortunately, I still seek this space when I feel overwhelmed or threatened or afraid - I turn inside, I get quiet and I am virtually unreachable.

I need new tools...


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Excerpt from "The Painted Drum"

"life will break you. nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearnings. you have to love. you have to feel. it is the reason you are here on earth. you are here to risk your heart. you are here to be swallowed up. and when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could."--louise erdrich

Thank you to my co-worker for sharing this passage - I never fail to receive exactly what I need, exactly when I need it...timely.

Love will break me. Love will mend me and break me open again - I will taste as many sweet moments as I can.

"Sleeps with Butterflies"

"I don't hold on to the tail of your kite. I'm not like the girls that you've known, but I believe I'm worth coming home to..."

Lyrics from Tori Amos's Sleeps with Butterflies

This song speaks to me because I do not have to grasp you to love you - I want to watch you in this world, to see how you move and if I were to hold on to you too tightly, I obscure my view of your grace.

Thought for my day...

I'm going to take this in stride...I'm going to think before I speak and then even when I do, I will practice conservation of words - just enough to convey how I feel with a fine balance of space for your own.

Communication with a partner, I am finding, is a lot like yoga - the supreme art of paying attention and NOT losing focus to an over-analysis of what I perceive to be wrong, because if the relationship is a healthy one, the focus should be on what IS working, what is RIGHT and the bounty that comes from sharing my life.

Love...

Look for the good...

John Friend encourages his students to 'look for the good' - in life, in practice (asana) - look for the good.

Useful advice worthy of aligning our path...