Friday, June 25, 2010

Ashes and Wine

Ashes and Wine is a Fine Frenzy song but in the wake of my relationship turbulence, I listened to the song this morning as if I was hearing it for the first time.

The words pierced me, penetrating my raw, pulsing heart that felt more exposed with every note...is there a chance, a reason to fight - or are we ashes and wine?

Ashes and wine sound incompatible - I wasn't quite sure of the reference or significance so I began to look it up.

I found some references to Catholic communion but these didn't resonate with me, so I solicited the help of my co-worker - some days are busier than others and so we were both searching the internet for the deeper meaning of Ashes and Wine.

She found something that resonated with me:

"Ashes and Wine are the things that are left over when the night is done. When the cigarette has been smoked and when the wine has been consumed. You know the little bit that remains still in the glass. So she's saying: is the relationship finished like those ashes and wine?"--(a post from songmeanings.net)

Ashes and Wine feel final and absolute, so I find myself asking of my current relationship - did we just burn out trying to be what we thought the other needed? Is there a place to turn after this and will I ever be able to turn to her again?

Lyrics:

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tears
Don't they see?
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning surface on a wheel
I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee-laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may chance your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes?

This morning, I woke before the dawn to practice - to turn to my practice in a time of sorrow is growth and I planned to use my breath as an anchor, a tether to the present.

Before I practiced, I drove to her house - I felt pulled to. There is softness in the fading of darkness to the light of pre-dawn and currently, we have a shortage of softness between us.

I will need to know, regardless of what happens, that I openly expressed myself - that I resisted the temptation and inclination to stand behind my ego, to be UNaware.

Pain is not new to me - pain is fertile ground from which to grow.

Nevertheless, we talked and I drove home after a little over an hour and I practiced. I started with sun salutations and I opened myself to receive whatever is coming my way. I stood in the moment with evenness in my breath and purpose in my movement - intention.

I did so because I needed to know that I could.

A stake in the claiming of my 'self'...

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