Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Tina Vaughn is...

...pausing.

I had a moment of clarity this morning, an epiphany.

Wait for it...

I tend to inundate myself with information and while I have convinced myself that this tendency stems from an innocent enough love of learning, this morning, I saw it another way.

As I was moving through my typical morning routine at the office~~start the coffee, log-in to email, open the planner to today's date, pull client files, open Facebook and my blog. From my blog, I click through, one-by-one, at a pace that continues throughout the day, the list of my favorite blogs of others and begin to read the latest posts.

The last part, the reading of blogs, was the trigger for my epiphany and even as I write this, I realize how innocuous it seems~~as simple as a handshake, a greeting across the land and maybe sea, a connection with someone I have never met as I receive their offering of the day or week depending on their posting frequency.

Even as I sit here composing this post, I am SO tempted to click back-and-forth between the blogs and Facebook, dividing the attention of my brain into tiny little compartments hardly capable of any meaningful depth of thought because of the sheer multitude of tasks competing for space.

But here is the 'it' of it all.

When I read those blogs, while so very useful and inspiring to me, there are times when, inside, something surfaces~~my chorus of desire born of inadequacy fueled by attachment to some fuzzy, self-constructed ideal.

And, while the lyrics vary~~"I want to experience that...", "She's so much more realized than me...", "When is my throat chakra going to open...", "Why didn't I think of that...I really should have thought of that...", "Why can't I break down the pose that way...I really should break down the pose that way...", "I bet her/his students love her/him...", "I bet he's a natural teacher, unlike me...", "I should do more of that...", "I should do less of this..."~~the theme is the same. I tend to get caught in a mind loop of comparing myself to others and my knowledge to theirs.

And my ranking?

Last. (According to me...)

I recognize that I should be able to read and/or hear something and appreciate its intrinsic value ~~it is what it is, yes?

Quite correct. Quite correct, indeed.

However, I feel compelled to stake a bit of claim in and for myself~~to see what I feel, what I think, to feel my own feedback as it filters through me moment to moment. But more than that, I need discipline to pace myself, to be fully present in each moment without dividing my mind between the blog that I am reading and checking the new messages in my inbox, with my hand on the mouse set to click on the Facebook tab only to read that so-and-so has just had lunch and is planning a trip to the farmer's market in pursuit of fresh, local and organic *fill-in-the-blank*.

God~~it's just as exhausting to write.

What's more, I need a bit of perspective, to cultivate a mindset that appreciates and processes new information without judgement, without an immediate assessment of self.

In that spirit, I am taking the day off for sure, though I am aiming for the week~~just a week of absorbing my own experience, writing from that place, appreciating that place and letting it be so that whatever comes to me is received as a 'gift'.

I have been working on this post all day, off and on due to other responsibilities but already, I am calmer inside without the incessant Facebook updates and the chatter, albeit positive chatter, of the blog-o-sphere (read here: my attachment and processing of the blog-o-sphere).

I feel uncomfortable being this honest and open but because I am a sloughing-off-the-shit sort of junkie, I am equally refreshed, wonderfully curious and intoxicatingly optimistic.

Tina Vaughn feels pulled to evaluate and cultivate a new manner of intake~~1:10 PM

2 comments:

yogawithaja said...

I appreciate your honesty. I hear you saying that you are not only overwhelmed by your desire to take in all the richness of information and detail on the web, but you are frustrated with how this information affects you sense of self-worth. Thus perhaps it is not what you are taking in, but how it affects your inner self that feels unsettling. I hear you saying it is a fine line between inspiration and overwhelm and I couldn't agree more. But remember, you are an authentic, sincere human being - you can only be yourself (because everyone else is already taken!) and the authentic voice you share with the world is needed, appreciated and innately divine. I too often feel my sense of self worth affected by those I see around me - I must try hard to remember that the talents, wisdom, and greatness of those around me lift me up rather than push me down.

Thus we slough on...grateful for this fruitful ground to work from!

Yours in Yoga,
*aja

TINA VAUGHN said...

Aja--

You are always so insightful and well tuned in. Thank you.

Authenticity is my mantra--somewhere along the way, it became fundamental to me and is the light that I reach for when I feel a facade settle over me.

And you are so right! The gifts of others are just as much gifts for us--another mantra of mine, to make space for others to be who they are and appreciate the richness of sharing the experience.

Thank you for reading and for sharing...

Love,
Tina